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Shortysdadd
Junior Member

since 2011-06-26

Posts 39

0 posted 2011-07-01 06:25 PM

Did I ever tell you that rats can swim?
She asked almost harmlessly.

Such a Scathing little spirit.
The vertical pupils in my soul ignite.

Scaly coils long hidden reflexively tighten
Indignant.

We never liked this game.

Oh yes, when the flames infect that sleepy ship.
They run they scurry they hide...

They abandon their young.

Can I ask you a question Father?
An ominous whisper past Baby teeth that draw blood.

When you left me did you walk away

or did you leap into that black water and swim...

ice
Member Elite

since 2003-05-17

Posts 3404
Pennsylvania

1 posted 2011-07-02 08:32 AM

Wow!
I bet he didn't answer.
The title fits perfect with the theme..
Harsh reality, in some peoples lives must be written about, good job.

Shortysdadd
Junior Member

since 2011-06-26

Posts 39

2 posted 2011-07-02 10:27 AM

thank you Ice

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

3 posted 2011-07-02 09:26 PM

Jason, is this your story?

It will haunt me as I've run that mile...
although I didn't leave my children,
I had haunts such as this...

Welcome to Passions!

Shortysdadd
Junior Member

since 2011-06-26

Posts 39

4 posted 2011-07-03 02:04 AM

Thank you Sunshine. Yes I wrote that, I'm afraid it got a little dark.

Klassy Lassy
Member Elite

since 2005-06-28

Posts 2187
Oregon

5 posted 2011-07-03 02:34 AM

Oh, you are a good writer! The hook and the sinker... awesomely executed! ~K

eminor_angel
Member

since 2003-05-22

Posts 323
Canada

6 posted 2011-07-03 10:28 AM

I enjoyed reading this, and its progression from innocent to accusatory. Did you intend to capitalize Scathing and Baby?

Shortysdadd
Junior Member

since 2011-06-26

Posts 39

7 posted 2011-07-03 11:00 AM

Thank you Klassy Lassy and Angel. Angel I wish I were that smart. I'm new at this and just going by feel. My reason for putting the baby teeth in was to set an age for the spirit. However I love opposites. I had hoped she would come off innocent at first and then sink her little teeth in you.

Shortysdadd
Junior Member

since 2011-06-26

Posts 39

8 posted 2011-07-03 02:09 PM

Haha oops no I didn't mean to capitalize those. Poor editing in my part.

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