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| Open Poetry #47 |
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Untitled |
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abhursty Junior Member
since 2009-02-25
Posts 45 |
Untitled(For now.) Can no one see I'm suffocating? Drowning in my dreams? You can't fix me. You can't save me. You can barely hear my screams. Can't you see I'm dying? Bleeding out my soul. You can't fix me. You can't save me. You don't know I'm loosing all control. Don't you know I'm crying? Hating every tear? You can't fix me. You can't save me. (For you are far away from here.) (You have left me. You're not here.) ~The last four lines are undecided as to which will be in the final. Anyway, I'd love to know any way I'd be able to improve my writing so please comment.~ |
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| © Copyright 2011 Abigail Hurst - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
I think this is effectively written, dear abhursty, as it conveys your anxiety very powerfully. ... far away from here ... sounds good to me. Love, Margherita |
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abhursty Junior Member
since 2009-02-25
Posts 45 |
Thank you very much. =^.^= I'm going to let two of my friends decide what to use for the last line, seeing as to the fast they helped me write the poem in the first place. |
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