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Open Poetry #47
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Alone
| Open Poetry #47 |
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Alone |
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rebelrea Junior Member
since 2010-10-22
Posts 20Michigan, USA |
Hey! So I just want to say sorry for not coming on in a while.  And I wrote this last night, and it's the first draft so please critique. Its a rock song, and it might sound weird without the music. But I want you all to try and guess what it's about!!! because it's important. Thanks!Oh,it also changes keys a lot, but that's okay. I saw the look in your eyes and I saw the tears rolling down the sides of your face You let go of my hand and started to stand to quit the race You were all I had, I thought you could understand what I was going through But the world got in the way I guess you couldn’t stay and that I'm not good enough for you You left broken, leaving me broken to live You left broken, leaving me broken to deal with what you did You shut the door and walked away I begged you but you wouldn't stay You said that life was way to hard Well you tore mine up and broke my heart You left me here alone You left me here alone I thought we had it figured out and that we were getting out of the mess we were in But you leaving had me thinking of things we vowed we'd never do again Truth hid lies, smiles covered up your eyes, and what I should have been looking for You should have known what this would do, and I'm hoping I'll find you on the other side of the door We left broken, leaving them broken to live You left broken, I left broken I guess I couldn't deal with what you did I shut the door and walked away They begged me but I couldn't stay Well I guess life was way to hard But now we'll never be apart But were still all alone We'll always be alone I look down, where are we now nobody knows Was this for best, now we'll never rest I wish they saw what we'd shown We slammed the door and ran away They begged us but we went anyway I bet they're asking why I wish they'd seen it in your eyes We left them there alone Were still here alone I wish they saw what we’d shown |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Nice writing...I think of the song "Don't Walk Away" as I read this...James |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Could be a good rock song and I can understand the key changes as you go through the builds and the brief chorus. I'm guessing you'll make a bridge to support the chorus in the latter part. I write a lot of folksy cafe type songs that are really long with a lot of lyrics. However, for a rock song this might be a bit wordy and then too repetitive, not sure. I'm wrong a lot so don't take me too serious. Eric the writer views a critic like a fire hydrant would view a dog |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
First of all there is no need to apologize. Secondly very nice poem. Juju -Juju |
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