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| Open Poetry #45 |
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N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet Member
since 2009-07-30
Posts 360New Orleans |
You can judge, Like you know a thing or two, Maybe you do, You can stare, Like you been there, Maybe you have, My words, My thoughts, My actions, Unquestionable and pure, They are mine. We will walk, We will walk, I tell you maybe even then, I won't care. You can tell me anything, its yours to share, But I promise you, I don't care. Let me, let me sing, Not a key, Not a syllable, Not the way for a poet, I'm sure; A king pity's those beneath him. Yet does he not know? A king is a king only on standing. A peasant is a peasant only to the king. Your king is my jester. "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." Oscar Wilde |
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| © Copyright 2009 Zachariah Gavia-Peyton - All Rights Reserved | |||
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AncientHippie Member
since 2009-10-15
Posts 411Surfing the Cosmic Flow |
I like this declaration of independence, Zach. Nice visual layout. Just a couple of polishing suggestions: "Like you been there" change to "Like you've been there" "its yours to share" change to "it's yours to share" "I'm sure; A king pity's those beneath him." change to "I'm sure a king pities those beneath him." Very best regards Jim "We are stardust: we are golden: and we've got to get ourselves back to the garden." --Joni Mitchell "Woodstock" |
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SlowlyFallAway Member
since 2008-08-29
Posts 279North Carolina |
"a peasant is a peasant only to the king" It's amazing how our status rates are different to every individual. Nice write. |
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AncientHippie Member
since 2009-10-15
Posts 411Surfing the Cosmic Flow |
Hello, LostPoet. You responded to my critique in this manner: "Since I couldn't figure out how to PM on this forum I wanted to thank you for your 'polishing/responses' on my poems. However, the way I word them may not be proper English; but there is a reason for that. English for me is where I'm from, not whats written in the dictionary"... Sorry to have offended, LP. To me the measure of a civilisation is its ability to communicate, and a shared language is the highest form of communicating one's thoughts, ideas, and emotions. Might I suggest, to avoid this type of misunderstanding, a caveat be placed in your profile critique box, saying that grammatical and syntactical criticism is not required. Very best regards, and Peace Jim "We are stardust: we are golden: and we've got to get ourselves back to the garden." --Joni Mitchell "Woodstock" |
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