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Open Poetry #45
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Budding Rose
| Open Poetry #45 |
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Budding Rose |
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martiniat8 Senior Member
since 2003-06-21
Posts 897Prague, Bohemia, Czech Republic |
La Fleur The tower it reflects projects it shows the state of my affairs matters of a girl la fleur de sa mere how she hides but glows the top the rose covered hovered milky mist hovers covers faux perceived tryst veiled veiled held in fog voile voile tenu en émoi and so is she her mystery leaving me alone wondering hurting unintentionally apparent I asked if I made her feel bad no reply logs off lights gone lights off plight gone plights lost a guess épine épine épine mais oui a yes as alone I sit Je regret je suis désolé le fait de monter and as it goes the story these lines la fleur la tour la rose oh how they grow [This message has been edited by martiniat8 (10-30-2009 03:44 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2009 Kenneth Bradley Smith - All Rights Reserved | |||
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AncientHippie Member
since 2009-10-15
Posts 411Surfing the Cosmic Flow |
Wow, Martiniat8, what a tragic encounter. Very compelling in form, I enjoyed the bilingual aspect of it (I had to say that, as I am Canadian). Refreshing style, but sad story. I await resolution in a future piece. Best regards Jim "We are stardust: we are golden: and we've got to get ourselves back to the garden." --Joni Mitchell "Woodstock" |
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martiniat8 Senior Member
since 2003-06-21
Posts 897Prague, Bohemia, Czech Republic |
you and me both, my friend, you and me both |
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Guybrush Threepwood New Member
since 2009-10-29
Posts 9 |
I definitely enjoy the French, though I only just barely understand what is being said by it. I think this one's repetitious parts weren't as effective as they have been in some of your other pieces, they don't serve the cadence as much. That's just me, of course. On the whole, good job. |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
Intriguing story and I did like the mixture of languages. Good rhythm. It's awkward when in a relationship we have this doubt "did I hurt her/him unintentionally?". It should be possible to work this out in transparence ... Good work. Love, Margherita |
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martiniat8 Senior Member
since 2003-06-21
Posts 897Prague, Bohemia, Czech Republic |
some translation may help La Tour "the tower" la fleur "the flower" de sa mere "of her mother" (just changed this next part) voile "veiled" voile "veiled" tenu en emoi "held agog" (works and rhymes better) épine épine épine "thorn thorn thorn" as alone I sit Je regret "I regret" je suis désolé "I am sorry" le fait de monter "The fact goes up" and as it goes the story these lines la fleur "the flower" la tour "the tower la rose "the rose" oh how they grow PS the shape of the words and poem are supposed to look like a budding rose |
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Guybrush Threepwood New Member
since 2009-10-29
Posts 9 |
Gonna be honest, it looks like a candle holder. |
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martiniat8 Senior Member
since 2003-06-21
Posts 897Prague, Bohemia, Czech Republic |
well, that works too, doesnt look like the Eiffel tower either that i was refering to, doesnt look like the girl im writing about, but to me it looks like a rose with a small bud, or yes a candle holder for a torch I carry |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Being a Canadian (as is the Ancient One), I understood the French (well, most of it! I appreciated my mind being refreshed as to the translation of "epine") and I enjoyed the blending of the two languages. A sad, yet sweetly-expressed, piece of writing.  Linda |
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