Being There - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

tonydatillo
New Member

since 2009-10-27

Posts 3

0 posted 2009-10-27 11:47 PM

Looking for some advice here ... New to the forums and writing poetry for that matter, but felt compelled to write something to the one that I love, who is a bit distant these days ... Hoping for some critique and maybe some help with the last line ...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I want to be there to hold your hand when you are sad,

And I want to be there to smile back at you when you are glad.

I want to be there to help you through your struggles,

And I want to be there to witness your moments of pride.

I want to be there to wrap my arms around you when you are cold,

And I want to be there to wave a fan around your pretty face while you are working hard.

I want to be there when your wonderful children are feeling down,

And I want to be there to help you turn their frowns around.

I want to be there to ease your days of catastrophe,

And I want to be there to magnify your days of victory.

I want to be there for you through all that you can imagine,

I want to be there ... (THIS IS WHERE I NEED THE HELP, CAN'T FIGURE OUT A LAST LINE)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Thanks to all that have viewed this and to all those that may submit their comments

Tony D.

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

1 posted 2009-10-28 12:31 PM

Welcome to Passions and a very nice offering to your significant other I must say. I might suggest the last line read, "I want to be there to turn your darkness into light."?

Please check your email for a welcome from all of us here, and I hope you will enjoy the forums as much as many long-time members do.

tonydatillo
New Member

since 2009-10-27

Posts 3

2 posted 2009-10-28 12:48 PM

Hmmmm ... I like that, if I were in a certain situation, but I don't think it fits mine. I've been broken up with her for about six weeks and I don't want my first poem to her to make her feel like she is something "dark". I think I'm looking for something more positive. I don't know ... Maybe the entire poem has some darkness to it, but I think each line should display something that might make her smile.

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

3 posted 2009-10-29 09:31 AM

Actually, I like the last line just as it is... "I want to be there"... a simple summation of the want after detailing all the times you want to be there.

Welcome to Passions!

tonydatillo
New Member

since 2009-10-27

Posts 3

4 posted 2009-11-08 10:11 PM

Hmmm ... I never thought of just leaving it as it is, but now that you've mentioned, I think I really like it.

Thank you so much!

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

5 posted 2009-11-17 09:24 PM

Enjoyed...I liked the idea of stopping at "I want to be there." Also I suggest..."I want to be there...with you is heaven"...James

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

6 posted 2009-11-18 08:45 AM

Welcome to Pip!

Lovely first offering.

I totally agree with Suthern's suggestion.

Love,
Margherita

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.