Repost of a poem in free verse, sort of

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Bob K
Member Elite

since 2007-11-03

Posts 4208

0 posted 2009-11-08 09:36 PM

     I've been working on this poem in this site for close to two years now.  It's come a long way since its original posting in January 2008.  Any comments or quests are fine, including and perhaps especially, highly critical ones.  Sincerely, BK
On Lines From The Tao te Ching
—for John Pawlik

The lights are off.  It is night
and I’m working at sleeping
without all that much success.
Through the red light of closed lids,

without opening my eyes,
I can read the labels of
pill bottles on my dresser.
I own all these translations

of The Tao te Ching:  Puffing
like bellows on the bookshelves,
they exhale stuttering flames.
It may be wisdom burns bright.

It could be that darkness is,
by any comparison,
so abysmal, any bright
comment, unfinished as truth,

might be mistaken for flame.
Sometime before morning comes,
sleepwalking the living room
around hard obstacles,

I’ll stare through drawn drapery
to see loyal ministers
rising from bed before dawn
to serve our troubled kingdom.

2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

1 posted 2009-11-09 11:10 AM

Hello Bob, nice to read a poem of yours, I love the popem and its atmosphere until the overwhelming last stanza that is very important to my eyes and give power to the poem...thanks for sharing

yann

Bob K
Member Elite

since 2007-11-03

Posts 4208

2 posted 2009-11-09 12:22 PM

Thank you, Yann. I've been working on this one for about two years, originally from an exercise by Huan Yi, and it's kept developing for me. I'm glad to be able to offer you something back for all your nice poems. Gratefully, Bob

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

3 posted 2009-11-25 12:24 PM

Bob,

I haven't been spending much time lately responding to poetry, but I remembered this poem and how I wanted to read it again. I had to look around - dig a little, but I think it was worth the digging.

It's hard for me to offer critique because I was most interested in reading your poem and asorbing your free style. Reading this clarified some of the thoughts that you have shared with me. I like how the lines break.

I particularly like how this breaks:

quote:
The lights are off. It is night
and I’m working at sleeping
without all that much success.
Through the red light of closed lids,

without opening my eyes,

I thought this created an interesting bridge between the first stanza and the second.  It made me want to close my eyes and see the red light.

Bob, I am not one for offering suggestions.  I try and will read this again (now that I have finally found it again).  I know you are not seeking platitudes and empty words of praise, but I agree with yann.  It is nice to read your poetry here. You have been so generous with your time when you respond to my poems and you are part of any growth that I have achieved.

It took me this long to write the first responsa and I will be back to write more.

Oh, one more thing that I like is that you show me how poetry is refined and worked on.  When you speak of working on poems, I think of a cabinet maker - creating art with time, patience and imagination.

Thank you for sharing this.  Happy Thanksgiving.

Alison

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