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Teen Poetry #9
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My first post on here.
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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My first post on here. |
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Ingrediants New Member
since 2009-09-13
Posts 8 |
Sanguine These written words of pages plied My linguistic tools on which I rely Are all my drug to keep me sane They pause the world and numb the brain My reckless pen scrawls gibberish Thoughts radiant in design A mystery to the world Conceptions I divine Through negligence of sound regard I repeat my ill mistakes Fix these holes that leak the truth Fix my constant aches Problems seem to cultivate They multiply for sure Not long now I have my fix For now I must endure As leaden lids slip down my eyes Torment calls with nights disguise I pry apart my brittle mind Rummage through my hidden core Expose these secrets long confined The answers I been waiting for But sanguine skies spell journey’s end To join my body as I ascend Velvet clouds, translucent shrouds They hinder my escape I shut my eyes to my demise This torture I can’t take Raking sheets of memories Unfurl within my grasp Whispered thoughts spit poison truth My mind is torn aghast I plead my soul to let me through I need this prize, which I attained The speck of light is just in view But still the haze remained Tell me what you think of it. I love constructive criticism. |
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| © Copyright 2009 Ingrediants - All Rights Reserved | |||
Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Welcome to PiP. I think this is really good, and am coming back to it to read again. What an entrance! A |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
welcome to Passions this is a lovely first post. hope to read more soon Krysti |
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madelyn Member
since 2009-09-03
Posts 172Purgatory |
a good read... hope their is more to come |
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Clockwork_Orange Senior Member
since 2007-03-23
Posts 620Space Camp, IN |
verynice. well written and good flow. loved the feeling of it. |
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precious pearls Member
since 2009-07-24
Posts 110NJ; United States |
I absolutely L.O.V.E.D. it! Like it to the point of it being Outstanding + marvelous and Very Excellently Done!!! Great first poem! Hope to see more! Always, |
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Assassin_of_Verse Member
since 2007-10-23
Posts 330that So Cal |
Its great. Your words have a great hue to them, some cold and flourescent, while others strikingly hot. One thing that bothered me was the lack of spacing. Though I'm not sure if it was intentional, I think the lack of distinction hid some of the better qualities. Anyway, welcome to Pip! (Though I have no right to say that since I'm in the habit of ditching my poems here...) There is power in the pen. |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi Ingrediants (I love your name, it must be the baker in me!) I thought this was a very interesting (for lack of a better word) poem. I especially liked the beginning, “These written words of pages plied My linguistic tools on which I rely Are all my drug to keep me sane” I can understand this. Writing is a form of release for me, and I think this described that emotion, that passion perfectly. My only quirk with the poem was I felt you had some filler sentences that were unnecessary, and they detracted from some very beautiful lines/thoughts. It might just be me, but when reading this allowed I noticed broken thoughts because of lines being shoved in to fill space, or take up space. Of course I'm just some random person online pretending to know what they're saying, please keep that in mind. Oh, I did have a question. I noticed you didn't use any punctuation except for at the very end when you said, “ I need this prize, which I attained” ,(it is the 3rd line from the last). Was this for a particular reason, other then it works, or was it a mistake? Thanks for sharing, I had a good time reading this! Stargal- P.S. Welcome! |
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