We're stuck with Who Cares!... and I Give Up!

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Teen Poetry #9

We're stuck with Who Cares!... and I Give Up!

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

0 posted 2009-07-24 08:39 PM

We're stuck here,
With
Who Cares!
And
Whatever!

In the crooked corners
Of a world that seems forever,
With cranberry juice
Stained on fake leather
That smells like beer,
'Cause no one is here
To say NO!

We're stuck here,
With
Forget It!
And
Why Does It Matter!

In a place that we call lost,
Though we truly hide ourselves,
With weed in our bras
And back pockets,
We know where we are.

We're stuck here,
With
I'm Alone!
I'm Invisible!

Underneath
Blankets of insecurity
That we call our home.
We could leap out,
Shout
And then be heard,
But we choose not to,
'Cause we're stuck here
With
I'm Depressed!
And
I Give Up!

We're stuck here,
Taking life, day by day,
Whatever happens, happens,
But it's not enough!

The hardest part about writing poetry,
is trying not to write like everyone else.

Bob K
Member Elite

since 2007-11-03

Posts 4208

1 posted 2009-07-25 01:24 AM

Dear Christine,

           Not so much, this one.  For me there are problem's with  details and energy.  In the first stanza, for example, we don't have enough detail or feeling to understand "here," the stuck place you're trying to talk about.  It could be the counter of a florist's shop, sitting behind a desk at school, or in the middle of another senseless conversation with somebody that you've disagreed with on what sort of color you both look good in.  She thinks you're a Fall person; you think you're a spring, and this is maybe the 50th time you've been through it.

     Each of these not-right-for-your-poem scenarios offers a different characterization of "here," however, that could allow you to build something extra into a later draft of your poem.  This one, as an early draft, is fine as it is.  I'm talking about things to look for in revision, not on a first draft, when your concern is getting words on the page.

We're stuck here,
With

     The "Who Cares!/ And/ Whatever!" lines are mixed.  I like to see how much everyday talk I can slip into a poem, and sometimes how borderline shocking I can make it, as if to say, what the heck is that word doing in a poem? or make somebody think, "That's not poetic."  The trick is that it's got to catch people actively off balance.

     "Who Cares!/ And/ Whatever!" needs to be to be something to will catch folks off balance a bit.  Dennis Johnson, who won the National Book Award for Fiction a few years back wrote a poem when he was a student in which the speaker, who's in very bad emotional shape, is addressing God.  Now there are all sorts of ways to do that.  Dennis Johnson used the line, if I remember correctly, "Dear Boss of the Angels, Dear Mr. President. . ."   It sort of grabbed you by the throat.

The following two lines have all sorts of possibilities to them; they're quite good indeed, but you might consider taking a turn into the unexpected after the word "forever."  Line breaks are a wonderful place to topple your reader's expectations into some sort of sudden new vision of things.

     I don't suggest you use, for example, "abandoned by horses" as the next line or "indecisive about North."  These are lines that I might horse around with in this situation to see what I could get out of them.  (You're welcome to try, of course, if you like any of them enough to try.)  The point is that I'm trying to give you examples of how you can use line endings to change the reader's perception of the poem, and the the world that they bring to reading the poem.  Almost always, the more concrete, the better.

In the crooked corners
Of a world that seems forever,

     I believe you loose control of the rest of this stanza.  I don't see that you have any clear notion of what is actually happening here, though the sense impressions are useful.  The clear details do the most good in a good clear sentence where the reader is clear about what is happening to whom, where it is happening and why.  When you loose track of these details yourself, you can't present them to the reader and they will promptly get lost and confused.  You don't want that to happen to your readers.

With cranberry juice
Stained on fake leather
That smells like beer,
'Cause no one is here
To say NO!

     I would change these next lines I selected to read the way I have ordered them here.

We know where we are
With weed in our bras
And back pockets,

     The rest of the poem is certainly working hard, but it doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.  For a good ending, I think that you will want to reach back to the early parts of the poem, come up with one of the important themes and state how the process of actually stating the words of the poem have changed the thought in the original theme.  Or restate it in in an altered form.  Or contradict it firmly and clearly.  There are lots of different ending strategies.  I've just offered a few for you to play with.

     When you write this well and keep at it, by the way, I don't think you're invisible.  It is important that you stay after it, so you learn to keep you voice developing and learn more about who and what you are.  So you can stay visible to yourself, simply by tapping back into this neverending stream of language that flows through your head.

Keep on trucking, Mama.

     All my best, Bob Kaven

I hope this is some of what you were asking for.  Try keeping an eye out for Jennifer Maxwell.  If you can read some of her stuff, you might find it helpful.  I think she's got a lot to offer, though she may be shy.

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