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Teen Poetry #9
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My mind has become my Nightmare
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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My mind has become my Nightmare |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois 
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Please stop me if I start to cry Because my mind can't reason with the "why's?" The bad memories are set on repeat No matter how many times I press delete. My thoughts are in the mode to kill Pulling, stretching against powers of my will. Memories like a deadly wolf pack Fur raised. Teeth bared. Ready for attack. Cornered in the backdrops of my mind The shadows pulling me in from behind My eyes a glimmer in the black night Shimmering. My skin turns white. My mind has turned against me Simple and secret mutiny I hold myself oh so tight Afraid to, once again, sleep at night. --------------------------------------------------- To be honest this didn't make much sense to me after I read it a few times. I think I should change some of it because some lines don't fit. But then again I was pretty much venting when writing. Haha. Enjoy? |
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| © Copyright 2009 Zach Booker-Scott - All Rights Reserved | |||
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kindredspirit Member
since 2009-05-19
Posts 156 |
i like it.  |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I think your attempts to hit the end rhymes took over and made a mess of all the other parts that make a good poem – it happens – it’ll happen less frequently once you realise what you’re doing wrong. . |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
That's it! I knew something was wrong with it but I just couldn't put my finger on it. -Zach "Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect" - Bob Marley |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
It isn’t the only thing that’s wrong Zach but it’s probably the source of all the things that are wrong. The problems all started when you selected the rhyme scheme. You selected a rhyme scheme (AA, BB, CC, DD) that’s extremely difficult to pull off without it sounding forced. The reason it’s so hard is that the distance between the first rhyme and the second is so short that it makes it difficult to hit the second rhyme, keep on track with what you want to say and make it grammatically correct all at the same time. It’s the poetic equivalent of slalom skiing; you’ve got to get around the flag on the right hand side of the course then pull a hard left to reach the next flag that’s 15 feet down the course but on the left. If you make the left hand flag you have to pull a hard right to make the next one, but by this time you’re going even faster. The skier’s normally smooth technique falls apart pretty quickly as he tries to make each flag in the same way that the poet's meaning, meter and grammar falls apart trying to hit the rhymes. If given a little more wiggle room both the skier and the poet can maintain their technique and make the end product look a little smoother, a little less forced. Please stop me if I start to cry The bad memories are set on repeat Because my mind can't reason with the "why's?" No matter how many times I press delete. My thoughts are in the mode to kill Memories like a deadly wolf pack Pulling, stretching against powers of my will. Fur raised. Teeth bared. Ready for attack. Cornered in the backdrops of my mind My eyes a glimmer in the black night The shadows pulling me in from behind Shimmering. My skin turns white. My mind has turned against me I hold myself oh so tight Simple and secret mutiny Afraid to, once again, sleep at night. Once you move the rhymes (flags)all you need to do is tidy up the meter, meaning and grammar that got bent out of shape trying to make the original flags and you'll end up with a passable poem. Happy skiing. |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Oh okay! So (AA,BB,CC,) rhyming pattern isn't the wisest thing to do. :P I don't know about meter. Tried it once and got frustrated with it. Because once you focus on the meter then you loose whatever you wanted to write about. Like you can't convey what you wanted to say because the line might throw off the pattern. That's my reason for not using it. Haha. But thanks for the suggestions Mr.Grinch! -Zach "Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect" - Bob Marley |
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
i remember when i was afriad to sleep at night. I agree that aa bb cc rhyming patteren is difficult to do well and really is kind of old, but you what? If you keep practising (and take a creative writing class- no lie it helped me a lot) then you'll be really good at whatever you write. -Kate "What are you!?" |
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LittleWillow Member
since 2007-12-27
Posts 54 |
I think it could be a great poem. I understand what everyone is saying, and if you put the nail on the head you could pull that lil one right off. Its great, really is.. Well done though! =] xx |
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