Temptation Spoken on Firey Lips

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Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

0 posted 2009-05-28 11:57 AM

Embers glow low in the ash
Smoke takes refugee in my lung
Burning. Choking on my breath
The taste of poison on my tongue

I sit close to the fire
Watching as it consumes itself
Smoke escapes its fiery jaws
A smile; a lulling image to myself

My hand follows its siren call
Feeling the heat dance upon my skin
Nerves going hay wire under pressure
Trying to fight the battle it can't win

Smell the scent of flesh
As it burns along its fiery lips
It hurts. Unbearable as it kiss
My nails growing black at the tips

Scars still remain
My nails a dark gray
To remind me in the end
Temptations not a reason to stay

Okay for those who didn't understand this poem. Its metaphorical for being draw into temptation. Being hurt by it. And then being left with scars.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

1 posted 2009-05-28 03:24 PM

I like this. I think it was a bit confusing the first time I read it, but after reading it a couple times more I finally understood what it meant.

I think for the fourth line, you should change it to this,

The taste of poison on my tongue.

I didn't really care for the words "poison-like"

Anyways, this is jus my opinion.

The tips of my fingers
Start to bleed the thoughts
That overwhelm me

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

2 posted 2009-05-28 10:19 PM

I think this is an amazing leap for you, Zach. It's good to stretch, step out of the box and try something challenging. Really, imo, quite well done, particularly this strophe:

"My hand follows its siren call
Feeling the heat dance upon my skin
Nerves going hay wire under pressure
Trying to fight the battle it can't win"

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

3 posted 2009-05-29 10:16 AM

Christina, underneath the poem I put a translation to my poem, for those who didn't understand it. Lol.

Jenn, Thanks for reading my work. Its good to have someone of more experience in writing praise my work.

Thanks for reading both of you!

-Zach

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect" - Bob Marley

nehematala
Member

since 2009-05-21

Posts 129

4 posted 2009-05-29 01:48 PM

This is really good it reminds me of a poem I wrote last year.

If you don't like something,
Change it...
If you can't change it,
Change the way you think about it

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