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Teen Poetry #9
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Verbal Diarrhoea
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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Verbal Diarrhoea |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Taking Moonbeam's advice i have attempted to write a poem with a lot less "I" in it. (: Verbal Diarrhoea Open the chasm in my face Wait for words to fill the space Ears tune out and brain does too Eyes locked on to only you Twisting, dipping, winding stream Of letters, numbers, one long scream A knot of matted mangled thoughts Words that catch but can’t be caught Swimming through the air around Racing silence, beating sound Touch the ceiling, melt the sky Deny, defy, don’t dare imply Distorted warp of coloured noise Spinning chaos as it destroys The aching stretching silence thin Pause to hear the words begin Ice cubes clatter to the ground A dice of frozen, bitter sound Ribbons winding through your hair As strands of song race the air Arms outstretched to greet my voice Mouth is open but not by choice A noise of words comes from inside Beating thought in one swift stride They hit your ears and then they die Then sitting, waiting for a reply The air is still, the silence cracks Though words are gone I can’t relax Open the chasm in your face Wait for words to fill the space Ears tune out and brain does too As communication waits for you. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Dense with ideas and images again Octave; altogether quite a maelstrom of words, and a very appropriate title yet again too. The poem races on a great pace as you no doubt intended. You certainly have a talent for matching the message, the tone and the pacing in your writing, and whether you know it or not you are employing meter very well. This is principally trochaic DUM da. It would be trochaic tetrameter as in Hiawatha: "Should you ask me, whence these stories? Whence these legends and traditions, With the odors of the forest, With the dew and damp of meadows," But you have truncated the final foot. So you have: DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM rather than: DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da This is fine. It contributes in my view to the tension and urgency of your poem by placing two stressed syllables together, the last syllable of each line and the first syllable of the next line. This keeps the reader constantly on tip toe moving forward as it were, rather than in Hiawatha where each line is neatly closed off in what can become a somewhat soporific effect. And where you've broken the metrical pattern you have done so "within the rules". My guess is that you've done all this unconsciously, without being too aware of the technical side of the metrics. You obviously have a natural ear for what is "right". Something that many people struggle to learn. So ... You can handle meter. You like rhyme. You have a talent for the original. How about trying a sonnet? Have you written one before? M |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Its good to hear that i am using this "metre" correctly. I had never heard of it before i came onto this board. Is it something i should read more into and practice, or should i just leave it, and let it work itself out? Thank you very much, i try to make my poems interesting and never really know what i'm writing about when i begin one. Which can produce a good effect or in many cases a very negetive one. haha. No, i don't think i have ever written a sonnet. This is going to sound stupid but, what exactly is a sonnet? |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Not stupid at all. To start with read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonnet |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
You're a natural with rhyme and meter. A sonnet will be a piece of cake for you I'm sure! |
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