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Teen Poetry #9
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That bruised up boy
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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That bruised up boy |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
I wrote this for my lil brother, who had Autism (I say "had" because God has healed him and is still healing him) I love him so much! He smells like peanut butter And jelly beans, And sometimes like cheese. That bruised up boy, He can smell like anything. He plays in the dirt, And comes inside, With smudgy black eyes And smelly feet. That bruised up boy, He doesn't care Even when he stinks. He's a hairy elephant With white crumbs in his hair And wax in his big-o ears. That bruised up boy, He doesn't notice it, But I laugh at his looks, And they say we looks alike. (psh, no way) He tastes like sweaty salt, I wouldn't wrestle him With your mouth open. I had to brush my teeth Three thousand Two hundred and fifty-three times. That bruised up boy, He can make me squeal. He smells a little funky And looks like a butt, But he's still my lil brother And I can't love him enough. That bruised up boy, He's been through so much, Yet he's the one Who makes me smile. "Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells... smelly." -Mr. Krabs |
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| © Copyright 2009 Christine Juarez - All Rights Reserved | |||
Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Uhm. This poem at first was confusing. But then what you said "I can't love him enough" I got two idea's. A. You can't love the boy at all.. or B. You love him so much its impossible to give him anymore. I just got a little confused in this.. But its good. -Zach We all flirt with the tiniest notion of self-conclusion in one simple motion. |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
It's B Well, my brother got it(though he says I exaggerated a bit, lol)and that's all that matter to me. "A poem should not mean |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear F&S2, Pretty good. If your brother got it, you must be doing very well indeed. Lots of good concrete stuff. Of course you're defensive because it's about your brother, and you got asked an honest question. Why not take a step back, take a deep breath, and try giving an answer in the same spirit that the question was asked? It wasn't asked to wound you, it was asked from outside the poem and it seemed like it completely missed things to you, but almost everybody reads your poems from outside your poems, and you can't count on them understanding the things that you assume you know. When they tell you what puzzles them, that's when you can get a start at seeing what the poem looks like from the outside. Believe me, people are going to ask you a lot of questions that are going to seem really off base at first. It takes a while to get used to the ways that other people think differently than you do, and it helps — if you want to write to be understood by people — to know what it is that people can follow and what they can't follow; what they do understand and what they don't. Some of it will be a surprise, certainly, though just which parts I can't tell you in advance. It's different for everybody. I think this is a very good draft, and I love what you've done in many places. The first stanza, with its emphasis on scent is very evocative. I'm uncertain of the construction of the last two lines of that stanza, though — that bruised up boy, He can smell like anything. "That bruised up boy, /He" may be unnecessary use of "He" here, though there are times and places where this construction is useful. It would be better to show that you can use the more economical structure without the "He" before you throw in a structure with one included. Without shows more concern for spare diction. This might allow a later use of the "He" to show up more clearly by contrast, and to show itself as a decision to go for something a bit different. You should give a try to both structures, though, to get a sense of the effect that they have and how they differ. "He can smell like anything" is also a possible usage here, but have you exhausted the possible effects of specifics that might work in a more interesting way? You may have, in which this is the best you can pull off; you may not have, which means you might try experimenting with various possibilities, either of different smells or perhaps something else. "He can pick up pennies with his nostrils," "He can sleep standing on his head," "He can remember the names of all the pets in the petting zoo except, for Sophie, the rabbit." He smells like peanut butter And jelly beans, And sometimes like cheese. That bruised up boy, He can smell like anything. "Smelly" feet, don't seem quite as interesting as "cheesy feet," which has those "ee" sounds hanging out together like happy swine, but there are probably more specific stenches that would work even better because they're just that little touch more disgustingly joyful, and your brother'd get a kick out of it, I'll bet. And the part of you that gets a kick out of giving your brother a kick would be very pleased, I'd bet. Indulge that fun, at least for a draft, and see what you can come up with. Let it be a surprise and tickle you. "Hairy elephant" is lovely, as is "big-o." He plays in the dirt, And comes inside, With smudgy black eyes And smelly feet. That bruised up boy, He doesn't care Even when he stinks. Perhaps, "He doesn't notice," instead of "He doesn't notice it." You have the chance to talk out a word that nobody will miss. You might think of combining the next two lines — "Now way we look alike." It leaves "they" out of things; and whoever "they" are, they don't sound like any fun at all. He's a hairy elephant With white crumbs in his hair And wax in his big-o ears. That bruised up boy, He doesn't notice it, But I laugh at his looks, And they say we looks alike. (psh, no way) Consider taking the last two lines of this next stanza and putting them at the beginning of the stanza. "That bruised up boy, He can make me squeal." How to put this delicately? There is an unintended sexual reference that slips in on this next stanza, at least for some of us, that you will want to take out. Stuff like this happens all the time in writing, by the way, some folks read stuff that others don't put in or some folks put in stuff that they didn't consciously mean to. The language is ambiguous, and so are people. The fix that I think might work without any trouble is to add the line "and burnt garlic" or something of the sort after the sweaty salt line. Then instead of "I wouldn't wrestle him/ with your mouth open[,]" try "You wouldn't wrestle him/ with your mouth open." Then simply continue as you were going. I think that bypasses the unintended sexual content. He tastes like sweaty salt, I wouldn't wrestle him With your mouth open. I had to brush my teeth Three thousand Two hundred and fifty-three times. That bruised up boy, He can make me squeal. The last stanza is, I think, your big problem here. It's a problem because you're talking about your brother, and there's only a certain amount of things you feel comfortable saying about the guy. None of them are things that I think surprise you. In this first draft it is fine that your loyalty be to your brother; that's the way it should be. If you want to finish this in a more ambitious way, however, your loyalty needs to be to the poem and not to your brother. This is very difficult. I can't write about some people and some things because I am too loyal to them and my poems about these things/ people/ experiences have to turn into poems about other things/ people/ experiences for me to be able to inventive enough for the poem to take on its own life on the page. Dick Hugo has an essay that's available on line that talks about this very issue. It might take you all of 15 minutes to read it, and it might be helpful to you. I found it helpful to me, and I still do. Check under The Triggering Town and Richard Hugo. Use what you can and discard the rest. He smells a little funky And looks like a butt, But he's still my lil brother And I can't love him enough. That bruised up boy, He's been through so much, Yet he's the one Who makes me smile. I'm hoping that this feedback is of some use to you, and whomever else has a look. Be well and keep up your writing. All my best, Bob Kaven |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
It's very useful, thank you! "A poem should not mean |
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Peanutbuttercookies'nmilk Junior Member
since 2009-05-03
Posts 31Terrell,Texas |
yr lil bro sounds adorable i wish i had one We are all unique in Jesus' eyes. |
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Rex Allen McCoy Member Elite
since 2000-01-30
Posts 2863Sippin a Timmy's in London |
I enjoyed reading this one and I agree, it is an excellent first draft ... half the fun of writing is going back, time after time and tweaking things a little ... just when you think it's perfect, you'll find another way to improve it more ... all because you're growing as a poet and your own tastes and standards will grow with you.  excellent writing |
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nehematala Member
since 2009-05-21
Posts 129 |
I feel exactly the same way about my niece whom I live with and has a form of autism If you don't like something, |
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