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Teen Poetry #9
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Untitled [suggestions welcome]
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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Untitled [suggestions welcome] |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Ok, im having trouble finding a title for this poem. I like the titles of my poems to be a bit absract and not directly related to the poem, but cant find a good one for this poem. Suggestions are very welcome. Untitled ~ Being human is the most terrible loneliness in the universe. ~ A.A. Attanasio All we ask is to be left alone To be at rest just on our own All we need is our solitude Don’t take this need as attitude Let us sit inside our head And watch our tears trickle red As our cries fade into night Feels so wrong yet also right Heart is hung out on the line We sit and watch the tick of time Arms are wrapped around our souls We nod and smile yet can’t control The deepest, darkest sense of need Our silent, yearning, aching plead The want for something we deject This pain is what we should expect We push the offer of help away And bask in solitude day by day We’re swallowed into an endless pain That consumes us and creates disdain Just sitting in a darkened room Our time to smile has died too soon Our chance at happiness has now gone With the loneliness that we put on All we ask is to be left alone To be at rest just on our own We blame others for our desperation When really we picked our isolation. [This message has been edited by Octave (04-19-2009 11:28 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2009 Octave - All Rights Reserved | |||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Octave I'll try and get back on this later. Meantime, if you use quotations, make sure you attribute  .Best. M |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Thanks Moonbeam, i've added the author of the quote now. Looking forward to hearing your words of wisdom. (: |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Not forgotten this either I'll try for tomorrow Octave. Edinburgh was a traffic nightmare today, and only just got in.Later. M |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Octave The good thing about this is that you've obviously put a lot of thought into the subject. Another good thing is that you chose to rhyme couplets, and you've managed it without any really glaring forced rhymes, which is a good achievement in itself (though did you mean "reject" rater than "deject" which makes little sense?). So in summary it's clearly good writing in the sense of technique and message; certainly nothing to be ashamed of . What it lacks imv is fire. The fire of uniqueness specifically. You chose to write about loneliness and the ambiguities of that very human condition, and you sure as heck did that. You wrote about it very directly but in quite an abstract fashion. There is no feeling in the poem that the speaker is in any way really involved or bothered about loneliness. It reads like a competent statement of the situation of humanity vis a vis loneliness, but it doesn't inspire me to belief. I'm a great believer in saying stuff like this in an indirect yet more personal way; a way that uses intimacy to inform universality - do you get what I mean by that? And this impacts on the title too. Because the poem itself is so direct and impersonal it's pretty difficult to see any title except one such as "solitude" as anything other than a bit pretentious. Far better imv to write a poem that's more personal and indirect and then a append a more direct title. Please don't misunderstand, this is very competent writing indeed, but like some other poets in this forum, you have the ability to move on. I'm sure I asked you this before, but what contemporary poets are you reading right now? M |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Thank you so much for the great detail you put into that reply. I completely understand where you are coming from. Lately my poetry has been lacking just that. I couldn't put my finger on why they weren't really very good, but you have made me see the light. Which is also why i was finding it hard to find a title. Though i can relate to this poem [which is why i wrote it of course] it doesn't really have a huge amount of emotion in it. Music is my main source of inspiration. If i'm listening to a song, and it brings up a very strong memory or emotion, I will write. I don't know where i've been going wrong lately. And im not sure how to bring my muse back? I don't really read poetry [sorry!] and the only poetry i have read or studied has been in school. Do you have any recommedations of poets who have a vaugely similar structure/style to mine? Thanks for your help, it is greatly apprciated. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Thanks for take my comments so kindly Octave .Recommendations. Yes, I am sure I can find something. And Jennifer might have a few suggestions too. Got to work tonight. I'll see what I can find tomorrow. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
It's easy to see you put a lot of thought and work into this very well written poem, Octave! Here's a site especially for high school age teens you might like to check out that features work by well known contemporary poets in a variety of styles. www.loc.gov/poetry/180/p180-list.html |
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