My home, my grave (revised)

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Teen Poetry #9

My home, my grave (revised)

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

0 posted 2009-03-27 07:01 PM

This took forever to revise, but I did it, and I think it's a whole lot better, but I still want whatever critques you guys have. If you see anything wrong with this poem, please let me know, even if it's the smallest thing. Thanks for reading, hope you like it.

I’ve wandered all around this narrow cave,
As darkness strays among the damp like air.
The feelings in this moment weren’t brave,
But cowards, to discard the love I bare.

As thoughts are rolling everywhere I glance,
My feeble longing, aches for solitude.
My mind begins to see a home with chance,
A cozy house, which gives me fortitude.

I question fate, if life could own this place,
And live without the past and its distress.
Will isolation, gift a spirit’s grace,
And find myself outside the world’s cruel mess?

I sit beside the silence, I have owned,
While crying painful tears I can not see.
The echoes show a feeling, I’ve condoned,
That running, never sets a person free.

But now I wonder, why the ground must shake,
Or why this frightful fear has filled my side.
My life’s discomfort, makes this ghastly quake,
And now I’m stuck, as fear and lull collide.

Were rocks, my haven, meant to fall on me,
To suffocate me, here where I now lay,
To hide me from the world, beyond their reach,
In this, my only home, my lonely grave.

"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

1 posted 2009-03-28 05:48 PM

I don't know if it's because I've read this too many times, but I don't like it anymore. It's boring.

"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick

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