spill - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

isabella223
Junior Member

since 2009-03-14

Posts 16

0 posted 2009-03-14 02:54 PM

(my previous pip name was nina1522. i lost my password so this is my new name)

this smile is foriegn
the muscles begin to split
my lips begin to crack
the blood starts to drip

this laugh is uncommon
it burns in my chest
my lungs begin to crack
the blood starts to infest

this place is distressing
how i got here i dont recall
my mask begins to crack
and the blood starts to fall

[This message has been edited by isabella223 (03-15-2009 06:30 PM).]

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2009-03-14 03:30 PM

welcome to pip.

You are asking for help, honey, what is wrong and what kind of help do you need? Please email me.

It's the envelope to the right of my name, click it and email me. I don't know if that was just part of the poem or if you really need help but if you do, just email me.

isabella223
Junior Member

since 2009-03-14

Posts 16

2 posted 2009-03-14 03:33 PM

i need help revising the poem. i know it is weak and i would like to make it stronger

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

3 posted 2009-03-14 04:33 PM

good grief you scared me!

ok you know what? I thought the poem was really good. I don't think I would change much if I were you

isabella223
Junior Member

since 2009-03-14

Posts 16

4 posted 2009-03-14 04:39 PM

haha my bad.sorry about that. how would you change it? just out of curiosity
(my previous pip name was nina1522, i lost the sheet of paper that had my password in it. so if you see that name its me and it means i found my password. just a heads up. hhaha)

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

5 posted 2009-03-14 07:26 PM

honestly the only thing I could point out that felt kinda too simple was the last rhyme of all and fall. I just thought with the emotions this one has, the dispair doesn't really show in that last bit. But that is if I have to REALLY say something.

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

6 posted 2009-03-14 07:34 PM

woo hoo deee dee doo. this is great just like you...poo

~ you cant run from yourself ~

isabella223
Junior Member

since 2009-03-14

Posts 16

7 posted 2009-03-14 07:37 PM

thank you Sea i agree with you. i will try to revise that stanza.

[This message has been edited by isabella223 (03-14-2009 08:17 PM).]

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

8 posted 2009-03-14 08:42 PM

ok better

I understand how this feels..

isabella223
Junior Member

since 2009-03-14

Posts 16

9 posted 2009-03-14 11:05 PM

thank you sea.

GothicCherry
Member

since 2008-09-16

Posts 471
TN

10 posted 2009-03-15 05:56 PM

Good poem...

It does sort of seem like a cry for help...

isabella223
Junior Member

since 2009-03-14

Posts 16

11 posted 2009-03-15 06:29 PM

its not. i just wrote it when i was upset. you know when you get in a really bad mood.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

12 posted 2009-03-15 06:54 PM

it didn't seem like a cry for help to me.

Good write!!!

No, I'm not conceited, 2sexy doesn't mean "too sexy", it means something else!

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.