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GothicCherry
Member

since 2008-09-16

Posts 471
TN

0 posted 2009-03-11 01:11 PM

I know this sucks and things like it have probably been written over and over. I'm just upset and can't seem to do anything except write dumb and dull rhymes.

Eggs all hatch, or at least remaining ones.
Others lay cracked, killed by rivalries sons.
Birds perched on shells weep their songs,
raising their beaks to cry lamenting wrongs.
The songs, they are sang by each competitor,
yet, they will be sang again, after next winter.

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

1 posted 2009-03-11 05:15 PM

I really like this poem. Like so much that I'm putting it in my library.

"Birds perched on shells weep their songs"

My favorite line. Keep up the writing hon.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you.

gdcod2player
Member

since 2008-07-26

Posts 117

2 posted 2009-03-11 07:54 PM

i really like this
sucks?!?!?! ha
that was awesome

GothicCherry
Member

since 2008-09-16

Posts 471
TN

3 posted 2009-03-12 09:05 AM

Ugh, it does suck. It doesn't flow well at all and the rhyme is totally forced. I can't even believe I wrote this. Shows what depression does to me I guess.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

4 posted 2009-03-12 05:15 PM

Lol

It's not your best effort! However the thought encapsulated in the close (the last line) isn't bad at all, and might form the basis of a better poem.

GothicCherry
Member

since 2008-09-16

Posts 471
TN

5 posted 2009-03-12 06:02 PM

Hmmmm, maybe. Although, I would have no idea how to make a better one out of this rubbish.

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

6 posted 2009-03-12 06:06 PM

I liked something about this.

I know that because I’ve just spent the best part of an hour trying to re-write it without mentioning the bird or the egg directly. I’m unlikely to succeed of course, but I think you just might if you tried and if you did I think you’d really have something to sing about.

Moon might explain what I’m waffling on about if you ask him.

.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

7 posted 2009-03-12 06:39 PM

I think Grinch means that what you had to say was good. You just have to find a way to say it without saying it.

And I'm knackered so you'll have to wait for him to come back and help you. He's the master at that sort of thing, and I'm going to bed.

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