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Teen Poetry #9
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The Name of Darkness
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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The Name of Darkness |
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GothicCherry Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471TN |
Clocks are playing saddened tunes. Songs of whispers dance to them. Portals meant for speech now shut. Standing slouched in hollows, dark strangers cast their stares at me. Creaking noises fill my ears. Shadows start to waltz about. Straining eyes, I find myself hid amid the strangers night made. Now, darkness has a name. |
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| © Copyright 2009 Michaela J. McHone - All Rights Reserved | |||
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
Wow, this is good, I love your wording and the end was the best. The only thing was that I got confused in these lines "...I find myself / hid amid the strangers night / made." Oh, but now I get it, you should put a comma after strangers, I think that's what threw me off. I'm running on empty right now, so that's another reason, too. With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Hi cherry  This is excellent catalectic trochaic tetrameter. This is an interesting meter and an intense cadence. Remember the opening music in "JAWS" DOMPdomDOMPdomDOMP... And yet when E.B. Browning uses it, her words lilt like a butterfly. Free - You've got a good eye, but I don't think a comma will fix this. One thing that I do to look for problems in a stanza is to pull the sentence out of the poem and look at it as just a sentence. "Straining eyes, I find myself hid amid the strangers night made." Hmmmm. I'm not sure what you mean Cherry? turtle |
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RevengeIsMine Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820Australia |
Man i LOVE THIS.. i don't think i could EVER right metre... this is great work hunni.. you should be proud! |
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GothicCherry Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471TN |
Christine- I was half asleep and sick last night while writing this. I see now how it can be confusing at that point. I'll have to find a way to fix that later. Turtle- I wrote this while thinking about how high school changes people and its hard to find ones self while surrounded by people trying to change others into things they aren't. I was attempting to use night as the metaphor. Just a vent. Jess- Thanks! Meter isn't that hard once you get used to it. It's simply the stresses of words. Of course, I'm not sure if I use it right or not, but I try. It just sounds better with some sort of form I think. |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
Hey Michaela, it's totally understandable. You were sick and half asleep and your poem was still better than my untitled one, which I wrote not sick and fully awake. Question, were you trying to use night as an extened metaphor, because I didn't get the night metaphor till the shadows part (that could probably just be me) Correct me if I'm wrong but shouldn't an extended metaphor extend through out the entire peom, or perhaps you wanted it to be just in that stanza. With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life. |
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GothicCherry Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471TN |
Oh I meant just in that line lol |
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