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daddysgurlxx5xx
New Member

since 2009-03-08

Posts 8

0 posted 2009-03-08 11:51 AM

I wrote this poem because my boyfriend been throught alot .. his mom and little sister died of cancer... his 2ed oldest sister was adopted and taken to cueba... his moms boyfriend got shot infront of his eyes..and him, his brother, and other sister was also adopted.. its hard for him to show his love... sometimes even acts like a jerk...but who can blame him...so here's the poem..
------------------------------->

He poured his heart and soul
thinking that i'll fix that hole
he asked me for 1 more chance, and blew it
when hes next to me, its hard to sit

He's been hurt by many
the love for me, he'll try to show
bad things happened, i should not know
please lets just keep it on the low

Thinking i could relive the pain
but i didnt know and danced in the rain
he didnt want to loose me
to open my heart, you must have the key

with everything thats happened
its just so hard and i dont know what to do
thinking he disruppted my life
but its not true,

The only one left , dont want me to go
his love for me is hard to show
he loves me, and i love him
but his love for me he will surely win!

pandabear
Junior Member

since 2009-03-08

Posts 36

1 posted 2009-03-08 05:40 PM

wow that is a really really really good poem and thats sad on what happend too

GothicCherry
Member

since 2008-09-16

Posts 471
TN

2 posted 2009-03-08 08:19 PM

Umm, to me it was sort of boring in a lot of ways.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

3 posted 2009-03-09 04:47 AM

Boring? Well, idk.

Since you put no for encouraging critiques, I'll just say, that I was able to see what you were trying to say in this poem, but it was a little difficult to read.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

4 posted 2009-03-09 07:00 AM

I know what you mean Michaela, and I agree that as a poetic art-form this has practically no merit.

But you have to remember that this isn't a critiquing forum and some people may just want to vent. Plus that to this writer the piece obviously means a lot - and maybe to her close friends too.

Sometimes I think we have to try and distinguish between when a piece of writing is just a kind of message, or a cry for help, or a plea for understanding, as opposed to when someone is trying to serious improve their writing as a piece of literary art.

Especially in a non-critiquing forum I guess we have to be tolerant of the fact that the writing may have a validity outside of just being a "good poem", and be sensitive in our responses.

That's not to say I in anyway disagree with your comment Michaela, but maybe you should get yourself over to CA and do a bit of reading and critiquing there too

.

GothicCherry
Member

since 2008-09-16

Posts 471
TN

5 posted 2009-03-09 08:38 AM

CA? I'm not really one for critiquing. I was just stating my opinion. I have problems with being very outspoken.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

6 posted 2009-03-09 11:43 AM

Michaela, that's cool. I have problems with exactly the same thing! And CA is probably best avoided right now anyway. It must be the silliest forum at PiP ~sigh~.

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