If I penetrate my heart - pipTalk Forums

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maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

0 posted 2011-04-16 08:43 PM

i want some feedback for this poem please enjoy

If I penetrate
My heart will it hurt
Will it bleed?

But to me what
Difference would
It make because
My heart has already
Been penetrated
It has already been
Hurt countless times

My heart also has
Become bloody,
And I became
An inert corpse
That’s just lying
There in front
Of my penetrated
Heart that’s been
Pierced through
And disintegrated
Like shards of glass

I wonder if my
Heart can be
Fixed again
I wonder if my
Heart can be
Alive again
I wonder if my
Heart can be
Exultant

Because me and
My heart forgot
How to live
Forgot how to
Be exultant
And forgot
How to feel
Anything

What will happen if
I penetrate my heart
Will it hurt?
Will it bleed?

Because my heart
Has been already
Penetrated and
Has been hurt
Countless Times
And could never be
Fixed again

abhursty
Junior Member

since 2009-02-25

Posts 45

1 posted 2011-04-16 11:36 PM

I love the story. Okay, not the story, just the way your wrote it. Anyway, it just seems a bit choppy. Maybe if you combined a few lines here and there. Other then that, I love it.

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

2 posted 2011-04-17 12:30 PM

ok thank you so where does it seem choppy from so that i can fix it and thank you

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

3 posted 2011-04-17 02:20 PM

if you don't mind can you show it to me of what you mean

LaGraceLa
Member

since 2011-01-30

Posts 243
Minnesota, USA

4 posted 2011-04-30 08:49 AM

Okay, so all I am doing is giving you ideas because I have realized that I give suggestions but do not explain it at all. I'm not trying to make it better or change it, I'm just giving you examples from your own words. One thing you can try to improve is punctuation. It adds character and depth to a poem. So you have...

If I penetrate
My heart will it hurt--
Will it bleed?

By adding lines like that you are adding a pause and making it seem like you are contemplating it at that very moment. And so for breaks you can make it more smooth (if that is what you are going for) by more natural breaks. Like...

But to me what difference would it make?
Because my heart--
it has already been penetrated.
It has already been hurt countless times.

I'm not say that this is how your poem should be, I am just showing you what I mean, or trying to atleast.

I wonder if my heart can be
Fixed again?
I wonder if my heart can be
Alive again?
I wonder if my heart can be
Exultant (again)?

By doing this you are lining up your words and making it have some pattern that is easy to see and understand. It shows the repetition more clearly which proves it is important. So yeah, just play around with that if you want to. And I don't want you to change this poem to how I did it because it was all examples and I love it your way, I was just trying to show you how you can change your words, for better or worse I don't know

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

5 posted 2011-04-30 04:43 PM

thank you

also my teacher told me that the last stanze contradicts the poem where i repeat the first lines at the end i might going to have to change it but thanks

i love your work too

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