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Teen Poetry #9
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Downfall
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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Downfall |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Haven't posted here in aaaages. Haven't written any poetry in a long time. Very rusty, as you will see, but it feels good to write again. Critique very much welcome. Downfall Each clink and chime that hits the slate Unfurls once in noiseless weight Dribbles softly, leaves snail’s wake A silver track that seals my fate One glass bead on scratched out black Runs to merge with another’s track Reflects to show one crystal crack And moves to fill what others lack I place a hand out, palm to sky The cool between my fingers pry Moisture heats but yet to dry Mirrors melting but yet to die Mercury twists and splits to break Droplets churn but don’t quite ache Dribble softly, leave snail’s wake A silver track that seals my fate. |
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XGarapanX Senior Member
since 2008-06-19
Posts 1435Antarctica |
Rusty or no this is good writing. ·´~`·»Garapan«·´~`· "Look! Crumbs on his jacketses... Heeee took it!" |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
Awesome poem, as always!!! I also haven't posted here in ages! I'm glad I got to read another one of your poems! "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car" |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Awh, thank you, both of you.  |
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Haf_Alive Member
since 2011-09-04
Posts 56High in the Sky |
amazing rhymes. very vivid poem, i could picture it the whole way down. really impressed with this one |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Thank you very much, I appreciate the feedback. |
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priyanka Member
since 2009-06-15
Posts 216india |
If this was rusty, wonder how the next one will be! simply too good! |
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Cat Like Thief New Member
since 2011-10-18
Posts 2IL, USA |
good write |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Your very good but I had a couple of problems I would like you to look at. Each clink and chime that hits the slate Unfurls once in noiseless weight (I don't know what you are trying to say here and the line is chunky: not smooth like the others) Dribbles softly, leaves snail’s wake A silver track that seals my fate ( I really like these 2 lines and that you use them again at the end) One glass bead on scratched out black (This line is also not as smooth as the others in the stanza or it might be the next line that makes it not work for me in your rhythm because I like the flow of this line on it's own but with the stanza I trip over something) Runs to merge with another’s track Reflects to show one crystal crack And moves to fill what others lack (love these lines) I place a hand out, palm to sky The cool between my fingers pry Moisture heats but yet to dry (love these lines) Mirrors melting but yet to die (not sure what this means) Mercury twists and splits to break Droplets churn but don’t quite ache Dribble softly, leave snail’s wake A silver track that seals my fate. (love this whole stanza) Just a few thoughts I had while reading. You really are very good. |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Thank you for such a detailed, line-by-line look at my poem, I really do appreciate you taking the time to dissect it. I certainly agree that there are some rhythmical flaws within it; I'll definitely keep metre/natural rhythm in mind the next time I write. It’s nice to have someone else pick them out as sometimes you don’t hear them yourself, just through the way in which you judge it on first reading/writing. And yes, there are a few lines that don't really do much for the poem as far as meaning goes, haha. Could do with some revision.  I started university in September and have been studying English Literature and English Language which have taught me a lot about metre and stylistics etc. so I look forward to putting these to use as I've never been taught the technical workings of such things. Thanks once again for the critique and the compliments! (: |
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