Twilight Serenade - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

UNTAMEDelegance
Member

since 2009-05-30

Posts 222
Oregon

0 posted 2010-03-23 10:40 PM

The fading of
another day
as half-light clings
to shadow's edge.

The softly settling
down of life
that grasps to
dark horizon's ledge.

The streetlights flicker
one by one,
a hazy lamplight
pooling down;

a filtering through
the ebony
and batheing shade
in ember gowns.

The curtained lights of
house on house
that spring to life
and later die,

as people sigh
the song of dreams
and close the
sleep-encumbered eye.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and lose that it's weird.

[This message has been edited by UNTAMEDelegance (03-24-2010 07:52 PM).]

Bob K
Member Elite

since 2007-11-03

Posts 4208

1 posted 2010-03-24 01:24 PM

Dear U. E.,

          I enjoyed this a great deal.  I liked what you were trying to do with the sense of motion in the metrics; I felt you were doing well with the rhymes.

     I'm not fond of Leonard Cohen as a poet, though I love his songs.  The reason I bring him at all is that he has a particularly endearing habit as a poet that you might find interesting at this point in your writing.  I wouldn't want you to get carried away by it, but you might try to listen to what he does with his rhymes in particular.

     He seems to work at and enjoy reaching for a rhyme word and then frustrating the reader's expectation by using a good but completely unexpected rhyme word.  He understands the value of throwing off the reader's expectations, and not simply satisfying them with the rhyme, so he keeps the reader off-balance though a lot of his songs/poems in a way that has a particularly pleasant feel to it.

     Too much, of course, and the unpredictability becomes predictable, as it does with Cohen, where it's virtually a signiture.  More judiciously used, it's a powerful tool, and can help with the writing of a poem that surprises the poet as well as the reader.  I find those very special indeed.

     I hope you find this a useful piece of feedback.  Keep writing.

All my best, Bob Kaven

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

2 posted 2010-03-24 07:45 PM

Whoa Melissa,

This is really really good. One of your bests I'd say.

Definitely going into my library.

Though one thing I didn't like was when you rhymed "sigh" and "eye." Although I don't think you did it on purpose, it just through me off. Otherwise great job!

-Zach

Wish I could find love.. But all I find these days are superficial fish in shallow waters.

UNTAMEDelegance
Member

since 2009-05-30

Posts 222
Oregon

3 posted 2010-03-24 07:52 PM

Actually, I didn't rhyme "sigh" and "eye." If you look at the stanza before, I rhymed "die" with "eye." Bu thank you for your comment!
~UNTAMEDelegance

Taylor See
Member

since 2008-10-07

Posts 55
North Carolina, US

4 posted 2010-03-25 10:33 AM

I love the rhythm in this poem.
My favorite part:

The curtained lights of
house on house
that spring to life
and later die,

as people sigh
the song of dreams
and close the
sleep-encumbered eye.

Such an elegant way to say something so simple and make it beautiful.

Great job, I look forward to more.

And as each player moves their piece, confident and tall
They forget that they can move themselves, in the greatest game of all

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.