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Dark Poetry #5

A long time past

rachel_anubis
Junior Member

since 2011-03-24

Posts 43

0 posted 2011-11-02 07:49 PM

A long time passed
Since I saw your face
Crawling with flies
Covered in lace

A long time passed
Since I saw you smile
Smattered with dirt
Swollen with bile

A long time passed
Since I saw your eyes
Cris-crossed in tape,
Flattened with lies

A long time passed
Since I saw your skin
Dowsed in blood,
Streaked in gin.

A long time passed
Since I saw your death,
Coughing on blood
Gasping for breath.

I originally had the first line 'a long time past'. Is this grammar correct if it is used in this poem?

LaGraceLa
Member

since 2011-01-30

Posts 243
Minnesota, USA

1 posted 2011-12-04 04:14 PM

This is a very powerful poem, and extremely dark indeed. It flowed quite nicely and was short and to the point.

KJOTT
Member

since 2012-12-26

Posts 87
Canada

2 posted 2012-12-29 03:16 AM

Passed is correct in the 1st line. You could use past (as in A long time ago) but you would usually not follow it with since. Depends upon your intention, really.
I like it as it is.

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