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maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

0 posted 2011-09-14 07:37 PM

I don't think this is a dark but its sad so yeah but give me some feedback please its been a while

The sun is blazing
Beautifully in the
Clear blue sky and I’m
Just walking until
I see a big tree
Which is copious
Of green leaves that look
Luscious I go up
To the tree and sit
Underneath it, it
Gives me shade from this
Sun I feel a cool
Wind blowing and the
Leaves are rustling as
I hear the rhythm
I feel peace and calm
And all of a sudden
I start to doze off
As I doze off I
See a semblance of
An angel with pure white
Wings and the face is
Blurred I ask the angel
Why are you here?
Did I do something wrong?
Then she said “No you
Didn’t do anything
Wrong I’m here because
Your soul, heart had a
Feeling of emptiness
Inside of you which
Attracted me.”
Then I said “I see.”
“Also in your mind you
Kept on saying
Please send someone by
My side I saw you
Crying all the time so
That’s another reason
That I’m here.”
“Yeah I have a emptiness
Feeling you don’t know
How I feel I am
In stuck in a world
That’s filled with misery
My heart and soul are
Both corrupted.”
“That’s why I’m here
To fix you and give
You some hope.”
The angel kept on
Saying the stuff that
I didn’t want to hear
Whatever she says
It brings tears to my
Eyes and it hurts my
Soul all of a sudden
The angel disappears
From my dream then I
wake up and wondered
What was that?
Was that a dream?
As I walk away from
The tree I hear the
Wind blowing again
And I can feel the
Presence of someone
By that tree

LaGraceLa
Member

since 2011-01-30

Posts 243
Minnesota, USA

1 posted 2011-09-14 08:37 PM

This had a very good idea behind it, however I felt that it was choppy and almost forced. I love the story line but the structure and flow need a bit of work. This has the potential to be marvelous, it just needs a little bit more love and care

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

2 posted 2011-09-14 08:54 PM

can you give me a idea of where i can fix it in order to make it better

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

3 posted 2011-09-14 08:55 PM

hopefully my nxt poem would be good i know this wasnt my best one plz give me tips to fix it

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

4 posted 2011-09-15 03:51 PM

i fixed it and post it up as revised its different and changed a few things so plz take a look

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