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Stitches
Member

since 2009-11-27

Posts 159
United Kingdom

0 posted 2011-06-11 11:05 AM

Like a wounded flower
Slowly peeling open
To meet an absent sun,
She drifts from slumber
Into reality.

Everything is just so.
The music on the radio,
The slow, easy sizzle
Of eggs cooking
Past their time.

The ticking of a forgotten clock.

It's the little things.
The correct clothes,
The selection of a lipstick
From a colour-coded pile.
The feeling of old shoes.

The ticking of a forgotten clock.

And from that black book
She'd dial the usual number
To meet the usual tone;
Flat and blank and resounding.
No change today.

Only one egg would be eaten.
Only one song would be played.
Carefully chosen clothes were shed,
And all colour washed away.

And like a dying flower
She'd curl back into bed
With the ticking of a forgotten clock
Resounding in her head.

'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.'

ponderthepoetorrsx
Member

since 2011-06-25

Posts 284
U.S , Ca

1 posted 2011-06-25 03:30 AM

i like it (:

Stitches
Member

since 2009-11-27

Posts 159
United Kingdom

2 posted 2011-06-25 05:14 AM

Thanks.

Shortysdadd
Junior Member

since 2011-06-26

Posts 39

3 posted 2011-06-26 03:16 PM

Very nice!

XGarapanX
Senior Member

since 2008-06-19

Posts 1435
Antarctica

4 posted 2011-06-28 08:10 PM

Hey, Stitches. Overall, beautiful and worthy piece of poetry. It's methodical, well considered and intelligently done. It flows, it moves and it... needs more of "you". I sense a serious restraint and reserve. There is something less conservative wanting to participate in the effort to make it move past merely "greatly done" into... "alive", I think is the word. No critique to your person, just something I feel going on in the motion of the words and the feelings it's trying to evoke in the reader. Hard to explain, but this is VERY good and you are skilled, no doubt.

·´~`·»Garapan«·´~`·

XGarapanX
Senior Member

since 2008-06-19

Posts 1435
Antarctica

5 posted 2011-06-28 08:14 PM

Well, do you see what I'm saying? Look at the above comments... "I like it" and "Very nice". I feel that there is something in your abilities that can make your work move more toward, "Explosive", and "Earth Shattering". It's up to you to discover, but I do not think you are finished here. There is more. I encourage you to discover it and fling it out here for us to marvel upon. "Tame" is what comes to mind, and leaves something "awesome" in a state of "Very Nice". You have what it takes. I hope you find it.

·´~`·»Garapan«·´~`·

Stitches
Member

since 2009-11-27

Posts 159
United Kingdom

6 posted 2011-06-29 07:10 AM

Thank-you! That is very helpful indeed and is something to try and find.

I'll work on it.

'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.'

Haf_Alive
Member

since 2011-09-04

Posts 56
High in the Sky

7 posted 2011-09-04 09:05 PM

another one so well put together. i'd love to hear this read out loud or something. so creative. thanks

HAF

Stitches
Member

since 2009-11-27

Posts 159
United Kingdom

8 posted 2011-09-06 05:07 AM

Thank-you for your comments. Much appreciated. <3

'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.'

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