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Dark Poetry #5

No Longer The Lost

FloraScars
Junior Member

since 2010-11-08

Posts 33
VA, USA

0 posted 2010-12-08 01:12 PM

I would love for you to tell me your thoughts on this and ways for me to get better.
also this poem is free verse.

I saw you starting to fade
That little glow
Was all that was left
I was seeing you starting to break

The sudden strike of pain
Hit me in the gut
I couldn't speak
Tears began to poor

I sat down and took your hand
I told you, to tell me what to do
You said, Leave
I couldn't, I stood there

Then your eyes went shut
And your last breath left
Its no longer the same
What else is there to live for

I walked out
Only to fall to my knees
It will never be the same now

"Love is a dance. Some have it easy and others struggle."

[This message has been edited by FloraScars (12-08-2010 04:34 PM).]

pyre
Member

since 2008-05-16

Posts 136

1 posted 2010-12-08 03:37 PM

I think free verse is the hardest to critique, but the only thing I can think of is the lower case letters at the beginning of various lines... If they are intentional, why? Otherwise maybe you should capitalize them... Just saying, thats the only thing I could think of... Nice poem.

Does she pray, or am I prey?

FloraScars
Junior Member

since 2010-11-08

Posts 33
VA, USA

2 posted 2010-12-08 04:33 PM

oh yeah i messed up and forgot to capitalize those letters at the beginning.

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