Hypnagogia (2nd attempt for Bob K)

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Stitches
Member

since 2009-11-27

Posts 159
United Kingdom

0 posted 2010-10-14 12:14 PM

[This version is less surreal, I fear it's too simplistic, I'm not that happy with it really but it's worth a try. It still rhymes which, as Bob said before, perhaps doesn't suit the subject matter.
It's really not very sophisticated.)

*****

Comforted by the cushions around,
I can sleep without a sound,
Wrapped in the warmth of my room,
Sleep brightly drifts above the gloom.

It’s not quite morning while I still lie-
And something small catches my eye,
And a weight upon my chest-
Disrupts my waking rest.

I think maybe my vision’s blurred-
But a small tapping can be heard,
And I know you’re here again,
To reawaken slumbering pain.

What legs you have that scrape,
On my hands that start to shake,
Eight needles pierce my skin-
My scream is trapped within.

My hand is lead though I know
-that if I did lift it just so
-you’d go away.
I pray for day.

That poisonous stare,
Chills the roots of my hair.
Your eyes lock me in abyss,
Threaten with a deathly kiss.

What is that upon my cheek,
Then on lips, which will not speak?
I have no reason in my fear,
But it tastes just like a tear.

Then light signals the dawn,
The safety of the morn’,
And it comes as no surprise
That you fade before my eyes.

'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.'

JerryPat
Senior Member

since 2010-10-30

Posts 1991
Louisiana/America

1 posted 2010-12-19 08:38 PM

"less surreal" / "too simplistic" / "not that happy with it" / "perhaps doesn't suit the subject" / "not very sophisticated"

I don't get it. You backstabbed yourself about your own poem.

Less surreal than what?

Too simplistic? Maybe you are angling for the arts and croissants crowd.

If you wasn't that happy about it why did you post it?

What subject is it supposed to suit?

Ah, now I understand the too simplistic quite because you, like I thought, are going for the sophisticated crowd.

http://swamprighter.wordpress.com/

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

2 posted 2010-12-19 10:30 PM

If you are going to use rhyme, you need to incorporate meter, otherwise the rhyme is wasted. I would suggest you study meter and then try it again.

Stitches
Member

since 2009-11-27

Posts 159
United Kingdom

3 posted 2010-12-20 05:45 AM

Because I wanted to see what someone in particular thought of it.

GENERALLY I'm not going for any kind of crowd, I just write.

This particularly is for Bob K.

'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.'

Stitches
Member

since 2009-11-27

Posts 159
United Kingdom

4 posted 2010-12-20 05:47 AM

And the questions asked are answered by this:
/pip/Forum107/HTML/000571.html

So it wasn't entirely random ok.

'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.'

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

5 posted 2011-02-05 01:54 AM

I definitely agree on the rhyming. It makes the poem seem a bit forced in parts (forced as in, 'I must make my content fit in this mold no matter what!') As to the content I liked it a lot. Sleep paralysis is something I've not experienced but I have had my share of waking hypnopompic images.

Stitches
Member

since 2009-11-27

Posts 159
United Kingdom

6 posted 2011-02-05 10:27 AM

Yeah it's a bad, bad habit.

I do tend to look back at stuff I've written and cringe at times.

Thanks.

XD

Any tips for getting out of it?

'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.'

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

7 posted 2011-02-08 12:04 PM

Haha, I feel for you

I've written a tonne of crappy stuff in my day. But that's what being a teenager is all about, right?

Stitches
Member

since 2009-11-27

Posts 159
United Kingdom

8 posted 2011-02-08 12:55 PM

Hell yeah, got to write out the crap so you can get to the good stuff. :p

'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.'

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