Hypnagogia - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Stitches
Member

since 2009-11-27

Posts 159
United Kingdom

0 posted 2010-07-09 08:26 PM

Daymare half in sky
Crawls across my eye
The flicker-flacker
Of my heart,
A fear I can't deny.

Between truth and lie,
Real enough to
make me cry-
And cry as I sit,
on my bed,
Wondering why.

Those legs are
stunners stuck-
to saliva web-
And I can't
Interfere, the
Picture's clear
Weaving out
My cobweb fear.

Though you
Torment me,
You are my
Primal company.
And now you
Crawl away and I-
Will never know
if you're a lie.

'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.'

s1nfully_1nn0c3nt
Senior Member

since 2003-10-26

Posts 1105
Watertown, NY

1 posted 2010-10-09 02:28 PM

And now you
Crawl away and I-
Will never know
if you're a lie

I like this.....I'm not sure why, but it intruiges me. Also the layout was perfect, in my opinion. Good job can't wait to read more from you.

There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; suffering has to enter in for them to come to be - LeonBloy

Stitches
Member

since 2009-11-27

Posts 159
United Kingdom

2 posted 2010-10-10 03:37 PM

Thank-you very much.

'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.'

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

3 posted 2010-10-12 09:27 PM

Wow, I really like this. This poem has a unique style to it. =] Into my library it goes. =D

Great work.

{~~*~~}

EmilyTheStrange
{~~*~~}
I have a pet unicorn...his name is Flavius, as in Flavius Belby. Flavius does not like gumballs..

Stitches
Member

since 2009-11-27

Posts 159
United Kingdom

4 posted 2010-10-13 02:19 PM

Thanks!

'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.'

Bob K
Member Elite

since 2007-11-03

Posts 4208

5 posted 2010-10-13 07:20 PM

Dear Stitches,

          This is an interesting attempt.  I like the playfulness of the rhyme, but they don't seem, quite, to go with the sinister nature of the waking vision.  It's very difficult to get a sense of what makes other people wince.  Here you're trying to suggest that there's something that's got you terrified without actually putting it into words or without getting your readers to put their own fears into concrete enough form for them to frighten themselves for you.

     It's a bit of a writing problem in itself.  It is possible to write stuff so painful that people have difficulty getting through it, but that means that you need to make yourself vulnerable to that material first, as a writer.  Jerzy Kosinski in his novel Painted Birds does this over and over, should you want an example.

     The main problem here, with your poem, is probably not that your are insufficiently scary, but that the imagery is simply not clear enough to carry a sustained picture of what's happening over the course of the poem.  A lot of us poet folks are very feeling people, but tend to have difficulty being aware of the process by which we get to those feelings in the first place.  And when we write, especially in the beginning, we start out simply by trying to describe the feelings we have.

     Simple description of the feelings, however, tends not to work very well, since the feelings are the result of the process we've gone through.

     We've usually started out with pictures and sounds in the poems we've enjoyed most, do the processing ourselves, and end up with the feelings.

     So we need to learn to present our readers with the pictures and the sounds and the other sensory information, let them do their own processing and allow them to come to their own sets of feelings and conclusions.  It's very important to keep things as clear as possible throughout the poem so there's a sensible plot of sorts and so that the action makes enough sense so that the reader doesn't find themselves saying at any point through the poem, "WHAT!  That makes not sense at all!"

     This is what Keats was talking about when he spoke about "The Willing suspension of disbelief."  The poet makes the world of the poem sensible for the reader, makes sure that the illusion surrounding the reader is seamless so the reader never has reason or time to ask these questions and is able to complete the journey from the beginning to the end of the poem in a state of wonder.

     If you need to keep anything foremost in your mind through the process of writing and revising a poem, that is it, that single phrase by Keats, "The willing suspension of disbelief."

     Creating the conditions for a reader to do that is the job of the poet, and the poem is the successful collaboration between the writer and the reader in the accomplishment of that task.  There are all sorts of ways to get to that place, with or without meter and rhyme, but I suspect there are no ways to get a poem finished without getting that job accomplished first.

     At least, that's my thinking on the matter.

      Is that any help?  If it doesn't, then throw it out with the trash.  No being cruel intended.

All my best, Bob Kaven

     And give them a shot at Betterton House, if you get a chance, especially the open readings.  There are nice folks there.

Stitches
Member

since 2009-11-27

Posts 159
United Kingdom

6 posted 2010-10-14 11:22 AM

Thanks for looking at it for me.

It was supposed to be weird and surreal.

I'll give it another go, though I'll leave this intact as other people like it.

I don't have time to read the book (though it looks good). I only have time to read essential things right now.

I'll have another version up at some point that makes it more accessible.

I hope I've got what you meant.

The form was inspired by a piece of music I was listening to and the event isn't personal to me.

So yeah, cheers.

[This message has been edited by Stitches (10-14-2010 11:53 AM).]

XGarapanX
Senior Member

since 2008-06-19

Posts 1435
Antarctica

7 posted 2011-01-31 11:44 PM

Yeah, this is really great. Liked it a lot.

·´~`·»Garapan«·´~`· "Look! Crumbs on his jacketses... Heeee took it!"

Stitches
Member

since 2009-11-27

Posts 159
United Kingdom

8 posted 2011-02-01 01:02 PM

Oh...

Thank-you. xD

'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.'

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.