Listen to the Darkness - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

0 posted 2010-06-27 01:58 AM

The flow is absolutely horrible, but that's only because these are lyrics to a song I've been working on. Despite that it may not be easy to read, I hope you like it. Also, I'm open to title suggestion, the one I have now is just temporary.
Thanks.
----------------------

Who can see me standing alone?
You wont hide on me again.
I can see you,
look at me.
Tell me you're here now.

I need you,
Help me understand how I'm falling through the hands
that were meant to catch me.
Why am I down here?

Can you hear this?
Love, am I alone?
Drown out the noise of the heros,
look down.

I need you,
Help me understand how I'm falling through the hands
that were meant to catch me.

Down in the dark,
I'm suddenly aware of the way you are.
Your hideous lies protest..

How I need you,
Help me understand how I'm falling through the hands
that were meant to catch me.
Am I here alone,
Is anybody out there?
Am I down that low?

Or is everyone just blind..?

{~~*~~}

EmilyTheStrange
{~~*~~}
I have a pet unicorn...his name is Flavius, as in Flavius Belby. Flavius does not like gumballs..

easy1
Senior Member

since 2010-05-22

Posts 1209
Southeastern USA

1 posted 2010-06-27 03:33 AM

Pretty good for a song lyric, imho. I can hear a good, dark, charging chord-down bridge after "[and] look down", and I might suggest "protest from a scar" and "protest from a star" (not necessarily in that order - =p)

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

2 posted 2010-06-27 01:57 PM

thanks for your comments and suggestions. I appreciate that some people still read what I post.

{~~*~~}

EmilyTheStrange
{~~*~~}
I have a pet unicorn...his name is Flavius, as in Flavius Belby. Flavius does not like gumballs..

Pixie Wales
Junior Member

since 2010-07-29

Posts 21
UK

3 posted 2010-07-31 05:47 AM

Those lyrics gave me goosebumps! (I know I'm in the UK but it is a very warm day today!)

Did you change the Title at all? Not that's it's any of my business, I'm just interested as very impressed by your work.

Bob K
Member Elite

since 2007-11-03

Posts 4208

4 posted 2010-08-02 02:26 AM

Dear E.,

          Nice to be in touch with you and Flavius again, and especially nice to be in touch about writing in particular, which shows what good things you seem to be doing with your life.  I'm very happy to see that.  Can't keep a skeptical woman with a good unicorn down.

     In thinking about the poem, I'd like to voice some personal biases.

     When we're thinking about poems, we're probably thinking about feelings.  But being people, we find ourselves most interested in stories.  It is from stories that we get most of our feelings.  Therefore, if you want to express feelings and get other people to be able to feel them strongly, you find that telling them "I feel this" or "I feel that" doesn't work very well.

     What works well is telling them stories or parts of stories, and giving them details from the stories.  The stories and the details help them create their own feelings, and these are more powerful than the feelings that you can name for them.  The more visual the better, because many of us these days are very visual people, and pictures make things come alive for us.  The more concrete the better.

     Try working in the very real things around you, Big Macs, the name of a favorite band, the name of your pet goldfish or your sixth grade teacher, the name of a grandparent, the nickname of somebody you really dislike, the name of a scientific process, the brand of gum you like best, your favorite doll, your favorite computer program, your second favorite color, the brand of beer that you'd like to try someday, the city you live in, the name of your street, and any other of these sorts of thing that you can fit together.  Try making up a list of this sort of thing and devise a story that ties them together.  Use verbs that you find surprising, to kite, to kanoodle, to caterpillar, to barnstorm, to ballyhoo, whatever you can come up with, and pull together a story that surprises you.

     The poetry will come from what surprises you and will continue to surprise you through several readings and drafts.  Try giving something like that a shot, and see what different sorts of emotional power emerge from the poem as you revise it this way and the other.  If you feel likje it, let me know what you think.  I'd be interested, because I've pulled together a whole bunch of possible experiments for you to try here, a little bit of this, a little of that, or none of any of them if they feel like too much of a pain.

     Anyway, good luck.  And all my best.

Bob Kaven

Novus_Os
Member

since 2010-07-21

Posts 115
West Coast, USA

5 posted 2010-08-03 09:20 AM

I actually think, with brutal honesty it's pretty good. The lyrics still do feel like a work in progress, perhaps breaking it up more, as far as introducing more concrete details as in story telling like Bob said. The concepts main themes so far are interesting however, and I especially like the parts about the heroes. Kind of saying "your heroes/ideals my be way up in the sky, but I'm right here". Nicely done. These are just my simple impressions. I'm no expert.

Regards,

Novus_Os

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

6 posted 2010-08-07 02:59 PM

Thanks, I appreciate your reply.

{~~*~~}

EmilyTheStrange
{~~*~~}
I have a pet unicorn...his name is Flavius, as in Flavius Belby. Flavius does not like gumballs..

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.