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XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

0 posted 2010-02-26 03:49 PM

I wish there was a place I could hide,
a place where all the fake smiles would be forgotten.
I want to escape this fragile light.
Take me away from here,
let them hunt me as I flee.
I just want out.

I don't want to keep pretending,
I know I'm not fine in this world.
Wont you come take me away tonight?
Let your dark be my light.

Standing in the rain forever,
my tears are eternally hidden.
No one knows,
no one sees.
I just want out.

I wouldn't have chosen this,
I would rather be left behind.
Now I'm just a lost cause,
ready to stop trying.
You can't help me,
I'm lost,
I'm giving up,
I've stopped screaming.

For now.

{~~*~~}

EmilyTheStrange
{~~*~~}
I have a pet unicorn...his name is Flavius, as in Flavius Belby. Flavius does not like gumballs..

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

1 posted 2010-02-27 03:02 PM

Boy, I can't tell you the number of times I felt like this when I was younger. The great thing is it passes, to yet take on another new experience to learn from in this journey of life. Giving up is NOT an option, but a great thing to drive you to succeed. I really enjoyed this walk down memory lane for me, and I am sure so many can identify with this feeling, giving up, getting up, and going again.

I think a great title would be "Cycles"

Well done

Bob K
Member Elite

since 2007-11-03

Posts 4208

2 posted 2010-02-28 02:45 AM

     Wouldn't dream of trying to rescue you.  It actually sounds like you're doing a pretty good job on your own.  I like how you're being loud about it.  You're not going to let anybody forget what a wretched mess everything is and how incredibly upsetting it feels to be in the middle of all of this.

     The best of all is the little piece afixed at the end of all your work about your pet flavius, with whom you remain loyally and creativelu aligned through thick and thin.  Flavious is a discriminating unicorn and seems determined not to let you go too far down any seriously wrongheaded pathways if he knows enough not to like gumballs.  Pfui on gumballs, and pfui on the stupidity the world forces on us.  You and Flavius seem to have your heads fixed on fairly well for a human unicorn dyad, and I'll bet that most of the time you've got a fairly hard-headed notion of what needs to be done and how you need to go about it.

     That's what happens when you've got a good unicorn in the family who'se willing to play straight with you.  Sometimes a couple of soild girl friends can be a help as well, if they can get their heads screwed on straight for a long enough period of time.  A decent aunt or two can be a help if you can find them as well.

     Unicorns though are really smart.

     You might try reading some Maxine Kumin, who's a good poet, and Jane Shore is pretty good sometimes too.

     Keep writing.  You're doing the right thing right now simply by getting the words down.  If you want to read a little bit more about the how of it, you might try finding something by William Stafford, who has a lot of good advice to give.  Take what you can use and put the rest aside.  Most important is simply to have fun writing.

All my best, Bob Kaven

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

3 posted 2010-02-28 10:35 AM

Thanks for reading Mysteria, and for the title suggestion.

And Thank you Bob for everything you've said. Your comments always seem to cheer me up.

{~~*~~}

EmilyTheStrange
{~~*~~}
I have a pet unicorn...his name is Flavius, as in Flavius Belby. Flavius does not like gumballs..

Chalmette Guy
Senior Member

since 2009-03-11

Posts 1257
Louisiana

4 posted 2010-03-01 04:38 PM

Hey there Emily, this is pretty damn good.
I can't but help reading it like a song, like this needs to be set to music.
Very cool.

Was it written that way?

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

5 posted 2010-03-01 09:52 PM

No it wasn't at first but I was thinking about maybe seeing what I could do with it.
Thanks for reading.

{~~*~~}

EmilyTheStrange
{~~*~~}
I have a pet unicorn...his name is Flavius, as in Flavius Belby. Flavius does not like gumballs..

lost dog
New Member

since 2009-12-01

Posts 3

6 posted 2010-03-08 10:00 PM

Im pretty new to writing, but was thinking title wise maybe "Exit" or "No Exit In Sight" where you could use the line "Wont you come take me away tonight?
There is no exit in sight!
Let your dark be my light."
Hope I dont offend just a suggestion

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

7 posted 2010-03-09 12:23 PM

no worries, I appreciate your suggestion.

{~~*~~}

EmilyTheStrange
{~~*~~}
I have a pet unicorn...his name is Flavius, as in Flavius Belby. Flavius does not like gumballs..

Zeigeist
Member

since 2009-12-09

Posts 311
Michigan

8 posted 2010-03-11 12:35 PM

I like this one. full of turbulent, intense emotion. Good write. I think "Exodus" would be fitting title.

Zeitgeist.

Chalmette Guy
Senior Member

since 2009-03-11

Posts 1257
Louisiana

9 posted 2010-03-17 09:09 AM

If you make a song with this, I'd like to hear it.

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

10 posted 2010-03-29 02:58 PM

Your always so good at free writes Em's. I'm jealous of your ability. *praises while bowing.* lol.

Keep up the writing hun.

-Zach

Wish I could find love.. But all I find these days are superficial fish in shallow waters.

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

11 posted 2010-04-03 07:30 PM

thanks Zach.

{~~*~~}

EmilyTheStrange
{~~*~~}
I have a pet unicorn...his name is Flavius, as in Flavius Belby. Flavius does not like gumballs..

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