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Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

0 posted 2009-10-27 08:35 AM

Hey, Its been a while since I've posted in Dark. Here's a little Halloween inspired poem that I wrote. Title suggestions are always welcomed. And I don't know if I should add on to this. Hmmm. Anyway, Enjoy!

Buried deep within the grave
Silenced as they behave
Beautiful as any masterpiece
the art of the decease

The broken bones and tattered decor
Is draped lofty like in the Morgue
Inside the cold concrete tomb
Holds loved ones in its womb

They dream in their endless sleep
Of the ones above who weep
Watering the garden of the dead
Where flowers grow instead

Masked Intruder

Moderator

Senior Member

since 1999-05-23

Posts 1231
Near golden sunsets

1 posted 2009-10-28 11:56 PM

Glad you could make it in. :-)

The third stanza strikes me best. I do cringe a bit at the simile "like in the Morgue" - it definitely seems forced, though I like the proper-ization making the noun more pronounced.

You mentioned you were thinking of adding on. Definitely should do.

-*-*-

Divide me again.

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

2 posted 2009-10-30 11:53 PM

You could add on if you really want to, but I don't think that it necessarily needs it. I agree that the second line, second stanza seemed a bit off, but at the same time not to severely.

Over all, nice write.

library.

-em♠ly
{~~*~~}

EmilyTheStrange
{~~*~~}
...popsicle!

s1nfully_1nn0c3nt
Senior Member

since 2003-10-26

Posts 1105
Watertown, NY

3 posted 2009-10-31 08:41 PM

I Liked It, Painted a "Deadly" Picture :P

There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; suffering has to enter in for them to come to be - LeonBloy

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

4 posted 2010-03-26 12:06 PM

Thank you! I would add on but I kind of like how it is right now.

-Zach

Wish I could find love.. But all I find these days are superficial fish in shallow waters.

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