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Dark Poetry #5
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The Monster.
| Dark Poetry #5 |
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The Monster. |
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vampirelover Member
since 2009-05-17
Posts 74 |
the “disabled” girl they call me wherever I go so easy to say; such a short word I have heard their whispers my body is twisted my speech is all slurred a scar runs down my spine and round to my breast (it makes me embarrassed when I get undressed) untouched is the place between my hips no lips have honoured Me with their kiss I pass out in public I lie on the floor indoors I feel safer hiding out on my own where no-one can hear me moan can see how my life is: a SHAM; where I am alone with the monster I am. |
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kindredspirit Member
since 2009-05-19
Posts 156 |
This is a powerful write. |
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vampirelover Member
since 2009-05-17
Posts 74 |
Thank you, kindredspirit. |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Oh wow. Very good write. I loved it.  -Zach |
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loveyourself102 Junior Member
since 2009-10-11
Posts 48 |
oh, wow, this was such a great poem i cnt really explain it. wow. |
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David D Jerald Member
since 2006-08-07
Posts 74Tucson, Arizona |
Whoever the human is that this poem is about..... is not a monster .... believe me I have known some very very beatiful people on the outside ... but learned painfully that on the inside there lived nothing but uglyness. Well said vampirelover all I saw was beauty shinning out through your words. Dave |
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s1nfully_1nn0c3nt Senior Member
since 2003-10-26
Posts 1105Watertown, NY |
I Couldn't Stop Reading! Beautiful. There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; suffering has to enter in for them to come to be - LeonBloy |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear vampirelover, Some nice stuff here. I like the contrast between the rollicking rhythm lurking in the background and the painful subject matter. I think that's a tension you've pulled off pretty well, and it's one that's pretty hard to do. Have you read "The Ballad of Miss Edith G." by W.H. Auden? There are a couple of Ballads that he wrote that have something of the same rollicking sense of irony to them that you might enjoy and have some fun with. Poems of this sort are always a bit of a problem to get into. Because you have that background rhythm that you're keeping up and that bit of a rhyme that pops up on occasion, you have the problem that shows up with mixed forms sometimes, where you feel the need to add syllables to maintain the meter to set up the rhyme that don't really look necessary because the poem looks like free verse. The word "all" pops up here, where it serves pretty much as an excess syllable to pad out the metric. The rhyme scheme buried in the free appearing verse gives an occasional odd word choice. "Moan" is one here, to rhyme with "own." I have a bit of trouble imagining the woman here being amble to overcome her embarrassment enough to moan out loud, myself, though you are the poet, and you can make her do what you wish. After having this poem down in this form, you might consider what you might do with it in revision, should you wish to revise it. It is definitely worth the effort. There's a lot of talent here, and you and the poem can teach each other a great deal if you're willing to listen to each other. Congratulations on a fine draft. Sincerely, Bob Kaven |
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