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since 2009-05-17
Posts 74

0 posted 2009-10-07 05:29 AM

the “disabled” girl
they call me
wherever I go
to say;
such a
short word

I have heard
their whispers

my body
is twisted
my speech
is all slurred
runs down
round to
(it makes
when I get
is the place
between my hips
no lips
have honoured Me
with their kiss
pass out
in public
I lie
on the

I feel safer
hiding out
on my own
where no-one
can hear me
can see how
my life
where I am alone
the monster I am.

© Copyright 2009 vampirelover - All Rights Reserved
since 2009-05-19
Posts 156

1 posted 2009-10-08 11:58 AM

This is a powerful write.
since 2009-05-17
Posts 74

2 posted 2009-10-08 12:35 PM

Thank you, kindredspirit.
Falling rain
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Member Elite
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois
3 posted 2009-10-10 10:14 PM

Oh wow. Very good write. I loved it.


Junior Member
since 2009-10-11
Posts 48

4 posted 2009-10-22 08:33 PM

oh, wow, this was such a great poem i cnt really explain it. wow.
David D Jerald
since 2006-08-07
Posts 74
Tucson, Arizona
5 posted 2009-10-29 02:24 PM

Whoever the human is that this poem is about..... is not a monster .... believe me I have known some very very beatiful people on the outside  ... but learned painfully that on the inside there lived nothing but uglyness.
Well said  vampirelover  all I saw was beauty shinning out through your words.


Senior Member
since 2003-10-26
Posts 1105
Watertown, NY
6 posted 2009-10-29 11:09 PM

I Couldn't Stop Reading! Beautiful.

There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; suffering has to enter in for them to come to be - LeonBloy

Bob K
Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208

7 posted 2009-10-30 05:14 PM

Dear vampirelover,

          Some nice stuff here.  I like the contrast between the rollicking rhythm lurking in the background and the painful subject matter.  I think that's a tension you've pulled off pretty well, and it's one that's pretty hard to do.  Have you read "The Ballad of Miss Edith G." by W.H. Auden?  There are a couple of Ballads that he wrote that have something of the same rollicking sense of irony to them that you might enjoy and have some fun with.

     Poems of this sort are always a bit of a problem to get into.  Because you have that background rhythm that you're keeping up and that bit of a rhyme that pops up on occasion, you have the problem that shows up with mixed forms sometimes, where you feel the need to add syllables to maintain the meter to set up the rhyme that don't really look necessary because the poem looks like free verse.  The word "all" pops up here, where it serves pretty much as an excess syllable to pad out the metric.  The rhyme scheme buried in the free appearing verse gives an occasional odd word choice.  "Moan" is one here, to rhyme with "own."  

     I have a bit of trouble imagining the woman here being amble to overcome her embarrassment enough to moan out loud, myself, though you  are the poet, and you can make her do what you wish.  After having this poem down in this form, you might consider what you might do with it in revision, should you wish to revise it.  It is definitely worth the effort.  There's a lot of talent here, and you and the poem can teach each other a great deal if you're willing to listen to each other.  Congratulations on a fine draft.

Sincerely, Bob Kaven

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