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nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

0 posted 2009-02-23 09:04 PM

this was my first poem. im only 15 and ive never had any prior lessons on poetry. so i just am writing what i feel. i know the structure is off but this is still in a rough form, if you have any tips or suggestions i would love to hear them.

unheraled, black waves capsize
capturing me as their prisoner of isolation
tendrils of coiling seaweed wrap around me
locking me in a place where
reality collides with dreams
pain smothers happiness
weakness conquers strength.

salt water subsitutes for the unshed tears
quickly burning the air in my lungs
tightening them,disabling me to speak
only allowing me to see a grotesque fog

the pressure sinks me to a lower depression
the violent waves pull me up and down
for i am the newest opponent in the game.
releasing me only to seize me once more
at my first breathe of air

darkness encloses around me
carrying a false sense of
             security
                   tranquility
                           accpetance
minupulating me to stop fighting
forcing me to believe this is where i should be

i need help with revising this. im open to any suggestions.

[This message has been edited by nina1522 (02-24-2009 09:47 PM).]

Suncleaver
Member

since 2009-01-18

Posts 481
Stafford England

1 posted 2009-02-24 01:19 PM

You're vocabulary keeps improving Nina.

And other than a grasp of meter and rhyme you don't need any lessons in poetry.

Freeand2sexy posted a great link about meter somewhere, I'm just not sure where...

Never sigh for a better world, it's already composed, played and told.

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

2 posted 2009-02-24 01:41 PM

Poetry IS writing what you feel. I wouldn't worry about structure etc. just write. It is good for the soul. You did a splendid job of this poem.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

3 posted 2009-02-24 09:46 PM

thanks im working on a revision now. any places you think needs revising. and suncleaver. i dodnt mean for it to rhyme, should it? im so lost haha

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