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Dark Poetry #5
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Always and Forever
| Dark Poetry #5 |
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Always and Forever |
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voice2bheard Senior Member
since 2007-10-19
Posts 591New York |
**For my mom** December 24, 1968 - May 28, 2019 *R.I.P* Why'd you have to do the things that you did? And why did I have to say the words that I've said? You know that I never really hated you right? It just seemed that every time we would talk it'd always end in a fight I think that I'm still in shock and still not sure what to say Hopefully over time, I'll finally be okay I think there's so many words that are left unspoken The day that you died though, I know that day wasn't chosen No we were never close at all, but you were still my mom I guess I just never thought it would really hit me this hard, that now you're really gone You know I don't have many memories of you, as you weren't in my life very much at all I cant even remember the last time that we spoke, guess we just really hit the downfall I remember a Christmas a very long time ago, when you and dad were still together, and he loved to take videos We lived in a basement, wasn't much a living place for a family But its one of the few memories I have left, and one that really gets to me For the longest time you weren't allowed to come visit me by yourself When years later someone helped me find you, as I would come see you myself You moved back and forth from New York, more times than I can remember Your birthday being on Christmas Eve, of all days in December For a while after my daughter was born, we would come visit and have " Sunday Dinner" together It lasted for a while, until I guess neither one of us knew better You were telling me how to live my life, and to do what you thought was right When I had said you don't deserve to tell me what to do, as you were hardly ever a mom in my life I believe it finally sank in the other day, that you weren't really trying to tell me what to do But to keep me from making choices like you did, as you wanted better for me than you I'm sorry we never spoke for a very long time As it had hurt me when you were trying to tell me what to do, with a child that was mine I don't like being told what to do, or how to raise my little girl As she is the most important person to me, she's my whole world Now seeing it from your perspective, maybe we were your whole world too Not having any pictures or videos, makes it that much harder to do I know you had a lot of problems, as we all do in this world Yet with the time that we've had here, I guess now it makes me wonder how often you really even thought about your girls? There was never enough time, there never seemed to be any effort As now there's nothing left to really do, but to try our best to move forward As I've always said, time will always be more valuable than money Money can be earned, as time is extremely limited, therefore to me it will always have more value, right until the very end I hoped you lived a good life, or at least made some wonderful memories along the way Its still hard to really take it all in, as even now, I'm still not sure what to say To feel alone, angry, mad or even sad Emotions I know that you went through, but I was never sure of how truly bad Its bad to say that I never really knew you, as you never really knew me So with my daughter, I want to be in her life as much as possible, & support whatever it is she wants to be Some of the few things that you were never there for, and will now never get a chance to experience ever again I don't want to miss anything special or important that happens in her life Proms, Graduation, Marriage, Having kids Literally all of those in my life, you have missed and will miss I have to raise my daughter, doing what I feel is right and whats best for her I never had you to go to, to ask for help or what to do A mom should always be there for her child no matter what goes on in there lives You love them, you support them, even if you don't think that there decisions are right You let them make there own mistakes, as that's the only way they'll learn Just to make sure to be there for them when things go wrong, bad, or when it truly hurts No parent should ever have to bury there child, as no this isn't something that I have to do However, I think of my grandma, and how horrible this must be for her, being its something she has to go through The loss of a parent, is truly devastating, no matter how close you really are Make sure to make the most with the ones you have in your life now, as we aren't guaranteed a tomorrow You don't want to end up regretting words, or time not spent, living it in sorrow I never got the chance to say goodbye, there were still so many unanswered questions as to reasons why I hate it that you were never there for me when I know I needed you the most Issues and problems got in the way, even the way that we spoke Is it bad to say that to me none of this still doesn't seem right To never reach out, as everything just ended in a fight Its even worse for me to think about how much I really am like you Similar feelings about the world, and even at times feel like there's no one for me to talk to You know when I was younger, every day I would wish to be able to see you It was one wish that came true several years later, and now decades later, I still can't believe your gone I know eventually one day soon again I'll be okay But for right now, I'm not going to pretend that I'm alright, when I know that I'm not It does hurt, it does bother me, even though we were never close So I will let everything happen naturally, and I'm not going to hold it in I'm going to be angry, and upset, and cry as much as I need to, knowing that the tears will win Don't ask me if I'm okay, Don't ask me how I'm feeling As you should already know by now what it feels like losing someone who holds a huge meaning Any loss of a family member is definitely hard to go through Whether its a grandparent, parent, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, child, even a friend So I won't be okay for right now, I need time to breathe, time to move on, and time to mend I know your in a better place now, and I hope that you're finally happy and enjoying your peace I know that no matter what I'll never forget you, so please remember me Until a day if we are ever to meet again, and we will finally express the care and love, that was always meant to be Always and forever, your daughter, Kate . Kate |
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