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Open Poetry #43
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serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738


0 posted 2008-12-11 08:07 PM


Salt
in dunes that rim my glass
the man smells good
and makes me laugh
then he juked my favorite song
and sang the lyrics to me - wrong..

Sometimes it's little things like that...

© Copyright 2008 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved
1slick_lady
Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088
standing on a shadow's lace
1 posted 2008-12-11 08:30 PM


he loved me
yes, he loved me
so bad

Vestibular Bard
Member
since 2008-12-11
Posts 284
New York
2 posted 2008-12-11 08:31 PM


Hi Serenity…

I absolutely love this…
Intense, familiar, concise imagery, a staccato meter,  slowly building to an expectation…
…and then you spring the surprise ending.

Great stuff!

steavenr
Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058

3 posted 2008-12-11 09:17 PM


help me out...it it the wrong lyrics or the wrong tune that is worse? liked your ending on this one
Vestibular Bard
Member
since 2008-12-11
Posts 284
New York
4 posted 2008-12-11 09:21 PM


I don't think any woman expects the poor drunken guy to be able to actually sing on tune...
secondhanddreampoet
Member Ascendant
since 2006-11-07
Posts 6394
a 'Universalist' !
5 posted 2008-12-12 09:07 AM


fine, succinct 'slice of life' penning!

applause!

LngJhnAg
Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508
Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion
6 posted 2008-12-12 09:14 AM


yeah, well, a few things about this excellent poem.

1) Cut down on your consumption, because Toerag NEVER smells good
2) Toerag makes EVERYBODY laugh
3) Toerag can't sing worth a hoot.
4) Don't even mention Toerag and lyrics in the same poem.  It doesn't work.

What?  It wasn't Toerag?  OK.  Same goes for that rascally scalawag 'Deer.

inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392
Ohio
7 posted 2008-12-12 12:40 PM


sometimes it just is, i know
for no apparent reason
why even bother to guess?
let it come
when it does

ethome
Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada
8 posted 2008-12-12 12:53 PM


Aw c'mon he was trying to do his best.

We all know flattery is insincere but it can tickle your fancy sometimes. Take a serious look at the effort shouldn't he be rewarded in some fashion.........

Remember I know you Celeste.....and you ladies love a rogue.....LOL!


Have a good one!

Eric

Mark Bohannan
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269
In the winds of Cherokee song
9 posted 2008-12-12 02:33 PM


I sat down across from her to have a chat
Straddled the chair with a tip of my hat
She smiled and told me she loved this tune
Then begged me off for harmonizing too soon

Grinch
Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929
Whoville
10 posted 2008-12-12 05:57 PM




There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

L. Cohen

Vestibular Bard
Member
since 2008-12-11
Posts 284
New York
11 posted 2008-12-12 06:02 PM


"...shouldn't he be rewarded in some fashion?..."

Seems to me she laughed at his joke, and said he smelled good...

...2 outta 3 ain't bad.

But I really like the 'no sale' ending EXACTLY as it is...it is subtle and visceral at once...

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

12 posted 2008-12-13 07:58 PM


My apologies for taking so long to say thank you to you all.

I love to write, always, but it's so much more fun when people "get it".



Thanks!

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