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Open Poetry #43
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dealbreaker
| Open Poetry #43 |
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dealbreaker |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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Salt in dunes that rim my glass the man smells good and makes me laugh then he juked my favorite song and sang the lyrics to me - wrong.. Sometimes it's little things like that... |
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| © Copyright 2008 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
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1slick_lady Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088standing on a shadow's lace |
he loved me yes, he loved me so bad |
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Vestibular Bard Member
since 2008-12-11
Posts 284New York |
Hi Serenity… I absolutely love this… Intense, familiar, concise imagery, a staccato meter, slowly building to an expectation… …and then you spring the surprise ending. Great stuff! |
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steavenr Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058 |
help me out...it it the wrong lyrics or the wrong tune that is worse?  liked your ending on this one |
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Vestibular Bard Member
since 2008-12-11
Posts 284New York |
I don't think any woman expects the poor drunken guy to be able to actually sing on tune... |
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secondhanddreampoet Member Ascendant
since 2006-11-07
Posts 6394a 'Universalist' ! |
fine, succinct 'slice of life' penning! applause! |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
yeah, well, a few things about this excellent poem. 1) Cut down on your consumption, because Toerag NEVER smells good 2) Toerag makes EVERYBODY laugh 3) Toerag can't sing worth a hoot. 4) Don't even mention Toerag and lyrics in the same poem. It doesn't work. What? It wasn't Toerag? OK. Same goes for that rascally scalawag 'Deer. |
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inkedgoddess Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392Ohio |
sometimes it just is, i know for no apparent reason why even bother to guess? let it come when it does  |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Aw c'mon he was trying to do his best. We all know flattery is insincere but it can tickle your fancy sometimes. Take a serious look at the effort shouldn't he be rewarded in some fashion......... Remember I know you Celeste.....and you ladies love a rogue.....LOL! Have a good one! Eric |
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
I sat down across from her to have a chat Straddled the chair with a tip of my hat She smiled and told me she loved this tune Then begged me off for harmonizing too soon |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
There's a blaze of light In every word It doesn't matter which you heard The holy or the broken Hallelujah L. Cohen |
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Vestibular Bard Member
since 2008-12-11
Posts 284New York |
"...shouldn't he be rewarded in some fashion?..." Seems to me she laughed at his joke, and said he smelled good... ...2 outta 3 ain't bad. But I really like the 'no sale' ending EXACTLY as it is...it is subtle and visceral at once... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
My apologies for taking so long to say thank you to you all. I love to write, always, but it's so much more fun when people "get it".  Thanks! |
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