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william_montague
New Member

since 2008-12-01

Posts 2

0 posted 2008-12-02 12:05 PM

This is my first poem, and I would like advice on it. I am writing it for a special person in my life, and I want it to be perfect for her. So any bad comments are welcome. I truly want to know if there is anything I need to change with it.

Our Love

Our love makes me more,
More of the man I truly am.
A man who is there for you,
There for you when you want out.
One who feels what you feel,
Whether you want to show it or not,
I know when you are down.
For when you cry so does my heart.
I am the man who will resurrect you up,
When all you want to do is die.
For our love is the light,
The light in the darkness of life.

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

1 posted 2008-12-02 01:02 AM

quote:
Our Love

Our love makes me more,
More of the man I truly am.
A man who is there for you,
There for you when you want out.
One who feels what you feel,
Whether you want to show it or not,
I know when you are down.
For when you cry so does my heart.
I am the man who will resurrect you up,
When all you want to do is die.
For our love is the light,
The light in the darkness of life.

Hi William,

I can't really comment on whether the poem is good or not - nor will I suggest changes.  This poem is so deeply personal - between you and the person you love - that to offer changes would almost like be like me listening into your bedroom conversation.  Does that make sense?

If I were to get this poem - well, it wouldn't work for me.  Maybe I am too much of a cynic.  I personally would have a hard time with someone who believed he knew my every feeling or who would be there for me "when I wanted out".  I go for a bit more mystery in a relationship, I guess - and I wouldn't want a man to be there for me if I wanted out.  I'd want him to fight for me to stay.

But, see that's what makes us all unique and different.  What works for me doesn't work for everyone.  What works for you in this poem might not be a huge attraction to me.  I guess we are not meant for each other (sobs -- kidding!)

I appreciate you posting your first poem.  I think that takes a great deal of courage.  I don't know that I could come into a site and ask for critique right of the git go as you did.  My hats off to you!

What do I think of your poem? I think that you know the person that you are giving it to very well (or I hope you do) and I think she will love it based on you knowing what is important to her.

Thank you again for sharing - and welcome to PiP.

Alison

WTBAKELAR

Senior Member

since 2008-09-09

Posts 1089
Utah, USA

2 posted 2008-12-02 10:34 AM

William,  Welcome to PIP,

This is a heartfelt little poem that, I'm sure your sweetheart will love, if just because you wrote it for her.  It seems a little sad, like there is a lot of tears and fear in her life, and that you understand why.  Hopefully you can change those things to happiness.

As for critique,  "resurrect you up" kind of says the same thing twice.  Maybe use "raise" or "lift" you up.

Good luck,  Keep reading here and writing here,  it makes us all better at what we love.    WT.

william_montague
New Member

since 2008-12-01

Posts 2

3 posted 2008-12-03 03:36 PM

THanks for the advice, I only asked because I dont know much about poetry. so if all there is but one correction I should make then I guess it all good then... Thanks

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