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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Open Poetry #43 |
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tin roof cloudburst |
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steavenr Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058 |
Rippled mantle like a cobble-stoned lane Meand'ring softly as a wand'ring child Stepping gently, crossing slowly once again Revealing currents scattered deep and wild Reigning in a kingdom of fostered showers Billows rise like zeppelin clouds of ease Coaxing daisies like dawdling flowers Fresh to life's incessant breeze Filtered breaths of windswept air Clothed in day-mist's soft unfurling Changing scene-pools of soft despair Leaves aloft and swiftly swirling Comes the rain in fevered splendor Comes the rain in fervent wonder And the soul rests in complete surrender |
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| © Copyright 2008 Steaven R Snow - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Yo Steavenr, This makes decent use of poetic sentence fragments. Bobby |
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Callista Member
since 2008-10-05
Posts 63USA |
I enjoyed this. Lovely use of language. In response to your request for constructive criticism, I would like the use of "mild" words like meandering softly, gently billowing, etc. to change (build?) to the more powerful weather insinuated. |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
Enjoyed Steaven, can't wait for the rain. Ida |
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steavenr Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058 |
Bobby, thank you...I promise I will use up whole sentences in the near future...appreciate you taking the time to read and comment Callista, you are dead on...I changed the title twice and some of the words several times to keep the idea of a gentle rain...sorry if I left traces of my confliction, but congrats on an excellent eye in noticing them...oh, and welcome to PiP since I don't think I've welcomed you yet Ida, thank you kindly...sounds like a great title for something..."can't wait for the rain" |
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BluesSerenade Member Patricius
since 2001-10-23
Posts 10549By the Seaside |
Wasn't it you who said you wanted to highlight every word?? Ditto, dude!! But if I must, since you made me do it...  Reigning in a kingdom of fostered showers Billows rise like zeppelin clouds of ease Coaxing daisies like dawdling flowers Fresh to life's incessant breeze Just beautiful, steaven~ This is brilliant and I am in awe!! |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
steavenr - after reading the replies there's not much more I can say except your words are most intriguing. Nice write... BC |
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steavenr Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058 |
Blues, well, thank you, thank you, thank you...and thanks for noticing my favorite lines (not always that someone notices my favorites)...your words are exceptionally kind Bill, high praise from you, dear sir...I am truly humbled |
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