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Open Poetry #43

When She Struck His Heart

CastleGuard
Senior Member

since 2003-04-30

Posts 760
Alberta, Canada

0 posted 2008-09-11 04:22 PM

So perfect to his eye she fast-appeared!
His heart hot-tinted by a passion’s flame
Quick-raced to catch the breath, and so red-seared
Surrendered he, renouncing Reason’s claim —
And She as goddess poised true-aimed her dart
And tugging strings unseen, did cast a spell
That brought her soul to his, then claimed his heart —
And he, unarmed, into her charm free-fell.
But this spell was truest, and as her kiss
Released, he soft-confirmed her human form
And passion ruled untamed; unbound was bliss
Where love had grown, where tenderness was norm:
Ah, but if only dreams could breach the night!
And courage followed aiming of the sight.

CG

[This message has been edited by CastleGuard (09-12-2008 11:56 AM).]

WTBAKELAR

Senior Member

since 2008-09-09

Posts 1089
Utah, USA

1 posted 2008-09-11 05:46 PM

That's GOOD

TheAnonDavid
Member

since 2008-08-28

Posts 237
UK

2 posted 2008-09-11 06:25 PM

You have written an excellent sonnet here with the traditional Shakespearean rhyming scheme. Unfortunately, as I read it and counted off the beat, I stumbled on line 9.

But this spell was not a token — her kiss

I can't pick out the iambic on this line or maybe my poor tired brain isn't working properly.
You finish with a good strong couplet - I always think that a great couplet can lift a sonnet from good to very good.
It's always heartening to see people posting sonnets. My compliments to you.

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

3 posted 2008-09-11 06:28 PM

A pleasure to read...James

CastleGuard
Senior Member

since 2003-04-30

Posts 760
Alberta, Canada

4 posted 2008-09-12 11:55 AM

Thank you everyone for the kind comments, especially TheAnonDavid - much appreciated your praise as well as the (just) critique.

I had pondered that line over when writing it - I wanted a fairly strong caesura, to make the reader pause and let the point "sink in". However, as you pointed out perhaps it introduced too much of a "stumble" - hence I have re-written that line, hopefully for better.

Thank you.

Cheers,

CG

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