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Open Poetry #42

Image of Destiny

f13rc373n4c17y
Junior Member

since 2005-06-01

Posts 22
Maryland, USA

0 posted 2008-03-05 06:00 PM

Wanting to see what goes before.
We feel what happens after.
Thought through thought it
Clouds an image of destiny.

Etched between past and present.
Those who survive the arrogance,
And jealousy, are those who follow
A path led towards the
Purest gem of a mind.

Whom pass by the knowledge
And wisdom of a self, are those whom
Take the dirt trail around,
(Instead of up) the mountain of the virtuous.

Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-25

Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

1 posted 2008-03-05 09:50 PM

f13rc373n4c17y,

The wording in this short poem is rather complex.

Aim for simplicity.

Bobby

Fareed
Member

since 2008-02-08

Posts 75

2 posted 2008-03-06 12:17 PM

It might be complex indeed but I like it the way it is.

f13rc373n4c17y
Junior Member

since 2005-06-01

Posts 22
Maryland, USA

3 posted 2008-03-06 01:09 AM

yea, it does seem a little jumbled and confusing. here try this out:

"Whom pass by the knowledge
And wisdom of a self, are those whom
Take the dirt trail around,
(Instead of up) the mountain of the virtuous.

Wanting to see what goes before.
We feel what happens after.
Thought through thought it
Clouds an image of destiny.

Etched between past and present.
Those who survive the arrogance,
And jealousy, are those who follow
A path led towards the
Purest gem of a mind."

I think it flows better like this.

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