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Open Poetry #41
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Singing in the Rain!
| Open Poetry #41 |
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Singing in the Rain! |
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BobbyBoy Junior Member
since 2007-08-22
Posts 21West Yorkshire |
It never Rain’s it pours The faintest speckle Summer shower Leads to panic upon rush hour People cowering in doorsteps Huddled, afraid to be wet The faintest shimmer Winter Sun Leads to casting off woollen coats People crawling away from beer gardens Huddled, Awaiting wife in waiting’s storm The faintest flicker of rain or sun, wind or hail, rain or snow Conversation starter and ender An excuse to have another hangover, Or day off work as a non starter You can’t get in the travels stunted Leaves on rail tracks, Bus routes flooded, The slightest change in weathers cycle Leads to panic in the aisles Stock up on water, eggs and bread Strip the Supermarket till it’s bare The slightest change in public consciousness Leads to selfish wantonness Leads to casting off public airs and graces The faintest flicker of rain or sun, wind or hail, rain or snow You can’t get in the travels stunted Leaves on rail tracks, Bus routes flooded Conversation starter and ender Leads to panic in all ages It never Rain’s it pours Singing in the rain it never was |
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| © Copyright 2007 BobbyBoy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Beaone12 Junior Member
since 2007-08-15
Posts 24Iowa |
Since you encourage constructive critism, I will give you my honest opinion about your poem. The first stanza has great rhythmic flow and makes me want to read on. The second stanza has a good meaning but the rhythmic flow seems to disappear. The third stanza has a great start but I got lost with the chosen route of words. The fourth stanza shows the same great rhythmic flow as the first stanza and revived my urge to read on. The fifth stanza lost my will to read on with the last two lines, but I continued with an uncertain hope. Your last stanza has good lines but all the rhythmic flow is completely gone and to be honest, if you had another stanza, I would not have read on. Maybe you could make it all in a rhythmic rhyme or change the lines to flow easier as in a prose. The meaning of your poem is really good and realistic in many ways, but the change between the rhythmic and unrhythmic flow, makes it hard to keep reading and in understanding it. Bea-ing the Queen of my hive. |
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BobbyBoy Junior Member
since 2007-08-22
Posts 21West Yorkshire |
Thank you for the response, I'm glad you enjoyed the content. The structure was unintentional, I think line to line i focus more on theme and mood but I also keep the right of not taking your advice if I believe that you did not understand my poetry. As the saying goes- all poets are thieves, all are representing themselves, The focus on structure I feel can often distill the meaning and rawness of a poem. Thanks for the read. |
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