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catgirl789
New Member

since 2007-08-15

Posts 8

0 posted 2007-08-15 02:30 PM

Ummm, this is a school assignment on a book called 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in Night-time' and I made two slightly different versions of my poem and I want to know which one is better and if any of them are good at all. If you have any suggestions for a title I'd be really grateful. So here goes nothing.

Version 1:
He lied.
He murdered.
Mother wasn’t dead,
But he killed Wellington.
It was just a dog they say,
But he still killed.
He’s a murderer,
But he wants me to trust him again.
How can I?
He gave me a dog.
Sandy I call him.
He killed a dog but he bought me one.
We spend a little more time together each day.
He wants me to trust again.
I don’t think I can.
Not now,
but maybe someday.
Version 2:

He lied.
He murdered.
Mother wasn’t dead,
But he killed Wellington.
It was just a dog they say,
But he still killed.
He’s a murderer,
But he wants me to trust him again.
How can I?
He gave me a dog.
Sandy I call him.
I think this is what Siobhan calls irony.
I don’t understand it but that’s what it is.
He killed a dog but he bought me one.
We work on vegetables together and spend a little more time together each day.
He wants me to trust again.
I don’t think I can.
Not now,
but maybe someday.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2007-08-15 04:04 PM

To me, the second one comes across with more detail. I felt "more in the picture" with that one. But I would guess you're going to get a wide and varied number of viewpoints and opinions, so be ready to pick the one you think works best.

Welcome to Passions!

Roysie
Member

since 2007-08-05

Posts 102
Canada

2 posted 2007-08-15 04:38 PM

Version #1 is better. Now remove all the capitals after the commas. You are welcome.

Ringo

Member Elite

since 2003-02-20

Posts 3684
Saluting with misty eyes

3 posted 2007-08-15 04:43 PM

I rather enjoy the second one more; however, I would recommend taking out the part about working on vegetables together, and just leave the spending time section.

As for the capitals to start each line... I think it is perfectly fine that way, although it would also work if you were to take them out.

What would you attempt to do...if you knew you could not fail?.
www.myspace.com/mindlesspoet

Roysie
Member

since 2007-08-05

Posts 102
Canada

4 posted 2007-08-15 04:47 PM

Well OK it's perfectly fine but then you have to take out the commas. I mean you're either going to punctuate or you're not you know.

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