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Open Poetry #41
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Park
| Open Poetry #41 |
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Park |
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Huan Yi Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688Waukegan 
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. Their leafless Winter branches Around the lake Oaks with slow Gentle gestures And softly creaking syllables Question the morning air Do you Remember Summer Blue—The sun— shining On her hair And someone I thought Had left me long ago Answers yes . |
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| © Copyright 2008 John Pawlik - All Rights Reserved | |||
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Beautiful. A picturesque flow chart of your thinking. Beautiful. PS, It was the unsaid conversation between you and "blue" (that painting).  |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
What a lovely thought, John. Ida |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Oaks gesture, Leafless branches Around the lake. Questions creak In the morning air. Someone who left me Summers ago Answers, "Yes." |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Oaks gesture, Leafless branches Around the lake. Questions creak In the morning air. Someone who left me Summers ago Answers, "Yes." Dear Huan Yi—I still don't know how close to the bone this calls for. Not enough concrete detail in either yours or mine, but I read it as a question/answer poem and tried to pare it down to that. The woman with the yellow hair seems to have been extraneous for me, vital, of course for you, but that whole third stanza seemed not to add to the poem. Seemed you could choose between winter and leafless, didn't need both. "with slow gentle" seemed not to be saying anything descriptive that simply saying "Oaks gesture" didn't say by itself. That prepositional phrase might have been useful if you'd wanted to describe something out of the ordinary; "with a sinister twitch," for one totally inapproapriate example. Questions creak As the air warms In the day's first sun. This strikes me as an improvement over my own second verse above; it keeps the notion of morning and gives some physical detail to the creaking. Hopefully some decent thoughts. Thanks for the suggestions to write of the Bridge of Birds story. It was very useful to me. My best, BobK |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Bob K, yours beautiful too. it shows two personalities. |
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vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
enjoyed |
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Clang Member
since 2005-12-15
Posts 222 |
Makes me want to head to the park. Great imagery. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Ah, Blue Do you remember Their leafless Winter branches And yes, the Summer Oaks with slow Gentle gestures someone I thought Had left me The sun— shining syllables On her hair morning air Around the lake softly creaking answers to the long ago question. _____ a stolen poem of Park [This message has been edited by TomMark (01-10-2008 08:52 PM).] |
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secondhanddreampoet Member Ascendant
since 2006-11-07
Posts 6394a 'Universalist' ! |
Unfortunately, I initially missed this 'write' during my 4 day loss of 'internet access'... Gently gesturing oaks questioning the morning air [for me, THAT is as good as it gets!] applause! |
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