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| Open Poetry #41 |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas 
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Options Days spent tied to the bed in terminal lness sparks, among other things, suicidal tendencies. You wish you were dead, though dying really isn’t an option – life is the only alternative, at least you think it is until the pain relentlessly tears through to your soul and though the tears you ask God – “Why? What did I ever do to you?” Answers never come. Just the nurse in response to your crushing the call button. A needle prick, like magic the pain ebbs . . . fifteen seconds, sixteen, seventeen . . . oh, it’s almost orgasmic it feels so good the way the pain flows . . . away. You feel it getting weaker, weaker, until, it’s just a tiny spot, deep inside, lingering – gone. “Sorry God,” you contritely whisper, “I know it’s not your fault.” Or is it, you wonder. Is this part of His grand plan for the perfect soul you’re supposed to become? Did you step on his toes in a past life, is He making you pay in this one? Is this cancer gnawing away inside His way of telling you . . .you screwed up? Nah, that can’t be true. He’s a loving God, loving God’s don’t torture their creations. Still, when the ugly maw of the beast inside starts chewing away again, and the pain is a living entity ripping you apart, you question everything – even Him – you blame everything – especially Him. Because it’s all you’ve got to hold on to until the medicine dulls the teeth of the beast and you can breathe again – Him, who’s going to be standing there, waiting, when the ultimate pain killer takes affect and you look down on the shell of yourself lying motionless, dead. Your only wish is that you could have told them all goodbye. Those beside your bed, crying. That you could have hugged them all one more time. That you could have lived one more day. Then the pain bolts through your body again and you realize that you were only asleep. “Oh God, oh God,” you cry from deep in your soul as you crush the call button again, realizing – your wish has been granted. You’ll live, another day. © wesley james beard, jr |
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| © Copyright 2007 Wesley James Beard, Jr. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
A tremendously emotional write, dear Wesley, and you are so right, when pain is almost unbearable we have no answers to the "why?", it will be a mystery, there is no really satisfying answer to this question. I don't think it's God's will that we suffer, but we suffer. And we fear pain, we only wish it was over ... then the most intense feeling of joy overwhelms us, either that, or death which again could open doors to true bliss ... thought provoking piece. Love, Margherita |
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Just another Pete Member
since 2007-12-06
Posts 74Scotland |
As Margherita says a very thought provoking read, especially that last line which seems both gift and curse. Pete. |
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Interloper
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369Deep in the heart |
I know a tremendously brave man blessed by God who has terminal cancer. He lives in daily pain knowing he will die very soon. His family knows it, too. His mantra is, "I may have cancer, but cancer does not have me!" |
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