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Xillus_Xavier
Member

since 2007-10-05

Posts 72
Alabama

0 posted 2007-10-24 09:44 PM

This is not my normal style of poetry and I'm needing feedback on what can be improved upon. What would this type of poetry would this piece be labeled? Sorry for the length.

               The Passing of a Season
                            ****

              October rain welcomes me
               at the end of my labor.
           Without malevolence the somber
            miasma drapes its damp aura
           down upon me as mournful tears
             for summers' dissolution.
          The old seasons' vitality, fading
          for weeks, spent its final, tepid
      gasp while I earned my daily keep indoors.

       Pall-bearing clouds now lead the funeral
         precession as they slowly move from
        west to east, covering the parking lot
           and I in their heavenly emotion.
        I feel the crisp baby breath of autumn
       whispering chills across my unsuspecting
       skin as I head to the security of my car.

            Millions of tiny fists of flesh
        clench and cower on my exposed arms and
        neck in response to this nippy newcomer,
          to which my mantle must acclimatize.
        In the imminent weeks and months these
        temporally tame sensations will pale in
      comparison as the autumnal neophyte becomes
       the connoisseur, then cedes to the deeper
           echelons of winters' icy embrace.

         I reach the refuge of my car and seek
         consolation from the fallible condition,
         making the heater growl in bewilderment
        as I stir it from its seven month slumber.

         My yearning hands await and welcomes the
     warmth as it flows forth from vents that just
           yesterday expelled cooler comforts.
          I cast my eyes toward the sullen sky,
            through the rain and leaf-covered
          windshield and I say a prayer for the
         passing of that warm and loving old man.
                    I will miss him.

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

1 posted 2007-10-25 12:03 PM

This is really beautiful! The arrival of autumn is rendered with intense imagery and feelings.

Love,
Margherita

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

2 posted 2007-10-25 12:25 PM

It is beautiful,

however,

you asked for something more, right?

I, personally, got a little lost in the adjectives...

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

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