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Open Poetry #40
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My first poem
| Open Poetry #40 |
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My first poem |
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Errand Boy New Member
since 2007-02-01
Posts 3 |
This is my first attempt at poetry. I really want to hear some constructive critisism, if it blew, then please tell me. I appreciate the truth. Nothing more than a complex molecule. In the vastness of the random chance. Is life nothing more than to provide fuel? I die, so others may laugh and dance. We're all trying to leave our mark. To be remembered during the last dark. I opened my eyes, seeking the one. Another soul to enjoy the final silence Illuminated by the rays of the sun There she stood, arms extended Just a deceitful mirage, my face in the dirt I cherish her image, with time I will be mended I see her each night, in a beautiful dream We sit under an apple tree, no need for words And as the apples fall, our flesh does sag But in each others arms, no need to scream Embracing each other, we sink into the earth Not a trace of our existence, save for a simple hearth |
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| © Copyright 2007 Errand Boy - All Rights Reserved | |||
Interloper
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369Deep in the heart |
Welcome to the Blue Pages! You will like it here  Poet, said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write. [This message has been edited by Interloper (02-02-2007 02:49 PM).] |
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Errand Boy New Member
since 2007-02-01
Posts 3 |
oh, I'm sure I will. But I need to get some feed back on this poem. Remember, if it's bad, then i would really appreciate it if you tell me. So I can save myself embarassment on a later date. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Dear EB, We have a critical analysis forum here at Passions that I think you would enjoy and appreciate for the feedback you would receive there. Here in Open, and not knowing you at all, I'm sure some of our members would be hesitant in offering some solid advice on the construction of this poem. So let me welcome you to Passions, and if you need any assistance in finding your way around, please contact any moderator - they will be glad to help you out. And, please check your email for a very Special Greeting! " It matters not this distance now " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love |
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ivordavies Senior Member
since 2007-01-10
Posts 739Chester, England |
Errand Boy The inherent message of this poetry seems to carry a theme that should be workable if not a little confusing. I got a little lost as it seems that you successfully took things from a molecular level and moved them through a spiritual level to the final absorbtion back into nothingness. "Just a deceitful mirage, my face in the dirt I cherish her image, with time I will be mended" I am not sure of your reason for taking this route, to me the poetry did not explain this. As for the overall structure, there is something good in there, that one recognizes as a style that could have the real power to convey feelings. However, it appears not enough work was done to select the right words to resonate your meaning and I actually feel the last two lines of the first stanza, jarred horribly as an example of this. "We're all trying to leave our mark. To be remembered during the last dark." How far do we have to warp our imagination to accept "the last dark" as the meaning I think you were trying to express (I may be wrong). Possibly: We'll try before life's final spark to show just where we left our mark. or something that lets me understand fully your meaning. You ask if this, your first poem, is bad? Poetry is to all people different, the essence of poetry is expression. For this to work you have to write so that the reader understands it and even then only a few may actually get on your wavelength. To me there is something inherent in your style that is good, very good. I feel it just wants a little direction, polish and work. Certainly sites like this one are where you can get this. On final point, feel free to disagree with me, this is a personal viewpoint and may not be shared by the other poets here. But I look forward to more of your posts, embarrassment doesn't come into it, you should see some of the rubbish I post! Have fun, Ivor The moment created this second, is a moment that's going to last. |
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Triskaidekaphobia Member
since 2003-02-05
Posts 251In a state of disrepair... |
Yes, Sunshine said it very well. I am hesitant to offer advice (unless you count overly pedantic spelling corrections  ) especially as the bulk of the things I write are, quite frankly, a mess. <--- Much like that sentence, in fact!I enjoyed this and also offer my welcome. |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
Hey Errand Boy If you want constructive criticism, I'll be happy to give it to you. My opinion is probably very biased though because I personally try not to follow any of the conventional poetic clichés. But here it is anyway: It's obvious that you know what a poem is and how the lines and stanzas are broken up, that's good. Here's what's bad: Just because it's a poem doesn't mean you can use incorrect English. Don't worry; we all do it. When I started out, I was the same way. Let's take a look at your first two sentences: "Nothing more than a complex molecule. In the vastness of the random chance." Neither is a sentence by themselves. Now if you got rid of the period after "molecule" then you could maybe get away with it. Always remember that in the beginning you should always practice proper grammar. When you start to develop your skill and voice you can start to form your own style. For instance, many poets get into the one word lines for impact and emphasis. Another thing is not every first word of every line needs to be capitalized. The first word of every sentence should be capitalized or you can not use capitalization all together; it's not a big deal, just a matter of personal preference. Ok, rhyming... my absolute favorite thing to hate in poetry, lol. Now you have to understand, I don't hate rhyming just for the fun of it; I dislike forced rhyming. Forced rhyming is systematic and has to follow a form: AABB, ABAB, ABCABC. The problem with forced rhyming is that you cannot possibly write your exact thoughts when you have to worry about keeping your rhyming pattern. If rhyming comes natural and all your thoughts are put down the way you want them, then I'm fine with rhyming. Sometimes in some of my own poetry, I find a couple lines that rhyme, unintentionally. The whole point of poetry is to put down your thoughts in the best and most accurate way as possible; forced rhyming hurts your cause, in my opinion. Also watch how many articles you use. I think you should continue to write poetry, whether you are good or not. Through time, your talent will improve with practice. All you need to do is find your own voice and keep at it. Anyone can do anything with enough time invested into it. I thought I would redo your poem for you. I'm using your words; I'm just rearranging it to show you how it can look: Nothing more than a complex molecule in the vastness of random chance. Is life nothing more than to provide fuel? I die, so others may laugh and dance. Just trying to leave our mark, to be remembered during the last dark. I opened my eyes seeking the one, another soul enjoying the final silence illuminated by the rays of sun. There she stood... arms extended just another deceitful mirage, my face in the dirt. I cherish her image, and with time I will be mended I see her each night in a beautiful dream. We sit under an apple tree with no need for words and as the apples fall, our flesh does sag. But in each other's arms, no need to scream. Embracing each other we sink into the earth not a trace of our existence, save for a simple hearth. ___________________________________ Your first stanza should probably be cut. It really has nothing to do with your relationship with the girl. Every stanza should ultimately be able to link with each other, that's very important in the beginning. Another thing, don't always make the subject of your poem so obvious. Make your reader really think about your words to understand; that will keep them interested. If your poetry isn't interesting don't expect people to be interested. Oh and you should probably think of a title. At any rate, I thought the last four lines were pretty good. Just keep at it and you'll get the hang of it. Ed And I said to the devil, "You better leave my spleen alone." [This message has been edited by Edward Grim (02-02-2007 02:26 PM).] |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
wow... |
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Roniece Dawson-Bruce Member Ascendant
since 2000-01-29
Posts 5689Sydney, Australia |
oh my!! I think you have created a great first poem EB along with some very useful critique! All I can do is welcome you to our Blue Pages and I look forward to reading more of your work Be well RDB Be kind at heart....for everyone you meet has their own battle to fight......... |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
May I just say, Welcome to Passions! I enjoyed your first post very much And I look forward to reading more of your work. ~Smiles & Hugs, Nancy~ In the midst of winter, |
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
Welcome to Passions. You have inspired...that's the truth of poetry. As You Wrote: "Nothing more than a complex molecule. In the vastness of the random chance. Is life nothing more than to provide fuel? I die, so others may laugh and dance. We're all trying to leave our mark. To be remembered during the last dark"... Just my echo... In the darkness, we are but the flame Foreboding existence as the lumins of last Every moment may suckle the marrow made lame Until but a husk, every vibrance past Yet my love is indelible, in spirit and flight In my dreams, your immortal charms gather as light Though if in the end, floats my soul left alone Yet undoubtedly over, happiness have I known Copyright Kkh 2/1/07 Thank you for joining us here |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Errand Boy, Well welcome to Passions! There are many of us who write and know we don't know enough to critique. I would be one of those. But for the record, in your profile you said you did not want critiques. It is important you change that to acknowledge you want some critical analysis which won't require you to make that request everytime. And in the forum Sunshine mentioned you won't have to ask for sure. I look forward to more of your handiwork.  If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, |
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shirtless Member
since 2006-04-29
Posts 359 |
interesting is the apple tree an intentional reference to both eden and newton? thanks for posting your poem MORE POEMS, PHOTOPOEMS, AND AUDIO VERSIONS AT http://anthonyarmstrong.multiply.com |
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INclan Senior Member
since 1999-07-20
Posts 1024Indiana, USA |
Welcome to passions...now rave on...like the rest of us! INclan |
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wredgranny Member
since 2006-11-18
Posts 493Ky. USA |
O'siyo(hello) ErrandBoy,Ulihelisdi Owenvsv(welcome home)it is my believe you belong here.Yes to you question,we are here to provide "fuel" for life that follows.Life is a Circle,born,crawl,walk,crawl,die,and leave behind the lessons you learn along the way,for the next generations,that live,dance,and play! Dohi(peace)
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
Hello and welcome to Passions...in my belief, there are no bad poems, just different levels of writers...the longer you read and write, well, you season... I enjoyed this, thought it was well done, and I see your mind jumps around like mine...poetry is an extension of the heart soul...speaks who you are, and you are a very deep thinker... you've received some very savvy suggestions here.... Keep writing.... |
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Artofmark Junior Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 41 |
hello, I believe Poetry is the strength of all writing, and is the strongest form to convey a message. It does not need always to follow meter or a special form to make a good poem, I believe it is the content, if you write with your heart. Then your poetry will only get better, then you can start writing all the different forms you wish. |
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Angel4aKing Senior Member
since 2006-09-27
Posts 1372USA |
Touching the surface sweetheart, I like it!!! Good job!! ~~~kingsangel~~~ |
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