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Open Poetry #40
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my first post seemed liked so i thought id do another :)
| Open Poetry #40 |
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my first post seemed liked so i thought id do another :) |
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RGK New Member
since 2007-07-13
Posts 2 |
hello again from ur clueless poet.. haha thanks for the great comments on my last post about the breakup, i gave it to her and now were trying to sort things out.. umm this is another one i wrote which is older. at the time i was involved in a few things which i started to question if it was really what i should be doing and just generally wondering if were on the right life path.. Paraniod. Paranoid, confused, and caught in a daze This game I have entered is like a maze Trust diminishes as eyes start to stare They’re all watching me from over here, over there Friends or Foes, no one really knows And the fear that eats me keeps me on my toes For one day soon that time will come Prepared to face it or ready to run? Is this for me or should I change? A question that I find to be so strange A thought that makes my brain re-arrange My mind is clouded im going insane Is this what life’s supposed to be? Shaded and weary about what you see? I guess so coz it’s happening to me What the future holds is a mystery Perhaps one day ill realize That the game im playing is just a disguise Filled with a bunch of bullshit and lies I see this view with my own eyes Maybe not and its all real And the walls I walk through are made of steal And ill stand my ground no matter what the deal But who knows the truth? That’s how I feel THE END comments and feedback would be great  |
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| © Copyright 2007 RGK - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ivordavies Senior Member
since 2007-01-10
Posts 739Chester, England |
RGK, I have not read your first post yet but this poetry certainly gets the mood of the Poet over. I do have problems with very bad punctuation though as it 'jars' and breaks the read, thus stopping the flow and ruining the poetry. What may appear to a 'minor' concern can actually destroy a good piece of this nature. I have reposted this below with a little more punctuation to show what I mean. As an example your 'ill' (meaning sick) actually was meant to mean I'll (I will)! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Paraniod. Paranoid, confused and caught in a daze, This game I have entered is like a maze. Trust diminishes as eyes start to stare, They’re all watching me from over here, over there. Friends or Foes, no one really knows And the fear that eats me keeps me on my toes, For one day soon that time will come, Prepared to face it or ready to run? Is this for me or should I change? A question that I find to be so strange. A thought that makes my brain re-arrange, My mind is clouded I'm going insane. Is this what life’s supposed to be, Shaded and weary about what you see? I guess so coz it’s happening to me, What the future holds is a mystery. Perhaps one day I'll realize That the game I'm playing is just a disguise, Filled with a bunch of bullshit and lies, I see this view with my own eyes Maybe not and it's all real And the walls I walk through are made of steal And Ill stand my ground no matter what the deal, But who knows the truth? That’s how I feel. |
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FadingSun Member
since 2000-05-01
Posts 76Southern California |
I think it read just as you intended it to be. Sure punctuational items were missing. But I didn't feel your flow was interrupted. Nor did I feel the 'edited' version flowed any better. I liked it. Nice strokes of words, that kind of danced along the tip of my tongue as I read it. Nice poem all in all I thought. In the sight of Love, fear isn't even as great as a single hair: in the law of Love, everything is offered as a sacrifice |
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ivordavies Senior Member
since 2007-01-10
Posts 739Chester, England |
Fading Sun, RGK asked for feedback, I was pointing out that using the wrong words and poor punctuation actually does destroy poetry for a lot of people and most certainly ruins the flow for a lot of people. I am not sure what is gained by suggesting that it does not! RGK You asked for feedback and I hope my feedback is read as positive as it was intended. Again may I say that I found this poetry good, but I feel a little attention to punctuation makes it great... Ivor |
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Roniece Dawson-Bruce Member Ascendant
since 2000-01-29
Posts 5689Sydney, Australia |
Hello RGK .... first let me welcome you as I don't think I did so with your first posting... I hope to read more of you ... Ivor has provided you with some good critque I think... take it as you will. Enjoyed... be well RDB Be kind at heart....for everyone you meet has their own battle to fight......... |
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
Because I had read your entrance poem first, I could tell this was an older write. You grew in your skills and thoughts. I like the sincerity of your poems especially. The emotions and moods come through so clearly. The most difficult thing is to expose our thoughts to critique...for all of us. If someone is telling you something to help you grow...it's because you have touched them already with a worthy gift. Spellcheck is a poets good friend. Loved this. |
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Drauntz Member Elite
since 2007-03-16
Posts 2905Los Angeles California |
very good. I love this one. enjoyed |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Also, I like the content of this poem. And you are trying hard to write rhyming poetry that has a beat or rap to it. I have no problem with that. If you wish to write that style, part of your personal poetic growth would be to be able to make the lines more consistent in meter, by doing this, you will make the poem even more enjoyable to read....Take the words as a sharing of what many of us had to learn from in our early stage of growth... |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
Enjoyed deeply ARCTIC WIND |
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