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Mistletoe Angel
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Portland, Oregon

0 posted 2007-07-03 05:29 PM


(Here's the first part of a mega-epic poem I've been writing, depicting an anonymous young adult brother and sister's eccentric experiences staying at a bed and breakfast, LOL!

I personally have never minded bed and breakfasts, but my parents have always had irrational anxieties about them, which inspired this write in the first place, along with all the stereotypical perceptions of bed and breakfasts on television, LOL!

So here's Part I, and hope it's not too much of an eyesore for all y'all, LOL! )


*

                 

Inn 'N Out
(Part I: Breathing It All Inn)
By: Noah Eaton
7/3/07

Oh, have I got a story for you that’s truly pure gold,
way back when I was just twenty eight and a half years old,
road trippin’ with my sister all across the USA,
oh, I’ve got so many to share, but this one takes the cake.

So the story begins when we were scrolling the FM,
enduring the hardship of a Richard Marx three-song set,
at last I reached for the dial during “Right Here Waiting”,
turned it, and said, “Oh my God, he rocks so soft it’s grating!”

My sister said, “There’s nothing but country and Rush Limbaugh,
unless you want to listen to Christian rock ‘til you drop!”
“Christian rock, ha!” I retorted, “there’s an oxymoron,
just like “True Lies”, Hot Ice®, jumbo shrimp and strawberry blondes!”

“Well, there’s surely abundant poverty on these airwaves,”
she said as she applied a little lip gloss to her face,
then we heard the radio jockey say, “Coming up next,
we’ve got Dan Fodelberg, here on WTON!”

We both shrieked in fright and my sister raced for the dial,
by then the odometer had read twelve-thousand miles,
driving northward through Virginia with seldom intervals,
to Cleveland, Ohio for the Whistle Pull Festival.

She said, “Hey, why are we going to that fair anyway,
it’s people pulling whistles, they need a life!” she harangued.
I crossed my arms and said, “I just don’t know you anymore,
I’ve hoarded antique nautical whistles since I was four!

Hey, we’ll have a blast, we’ll blow whistles until we go deaf,
I’ll even teach you how to do it in the tenor clef!”
She sighed and said, “At least it beats the Worlds Largest Cured Ham,
or the National Jousting Hall of Fame, that was a laugh!”

                 

Watching the road, I said, “God, there’s so many frickin' trucks,
add a Pig-Pen, Rubber Duck and a chartreuse microbus,
and mercy sakes alive, we’ve got ourselves a convoy!”
She said, “Yeah, you already said that thrice in Illinois!”

My sister then said, “Hey, where are we staying for the night?”
I said, “I told you, I’m more of that spontaneous type,
who likes to drive and land someplace we’ve never been before,
we are being guided by fate, fate wants us to explore!”

“But it’s six o’clock,” she said, “we’ve been driving half the day,
and that Stuckey’s pecan log roll gave me a tummy ache!”
“Hey, don’t diss those pecan log rolls!” I said with inflection,
“Stuckey’s success speaks for itself, cooking up confections!”

“Brother, I’m tired,” she replied, “let’s just call it a day,
now can we please just take a break and find a place to stay?”
“Oh, alright,” I uttered reluctantly, conjecturing:
(“Guess my dad’s sense of adventure only passed on to me!”)

I kept my eyes peeled for lodgings along the interstate,
a La Quinta, a Ramada, maybe a Super Eight,
but every one was packed full, up and down I-81,
even each Motel Six was swarming with traveling nuns.

“Wait,” said my sister, “I think you just missed a Travelodge!”
And I said, “Nonsense, that cheeky Roaming Gnome must be dodged,
I mean, sure, he’s got a cute accent and seems affable,
and the fact he Tivos “Supernanny” is laughable.

Yet, the logic of his commercials make no sense to me,
I mean, their whole point is to denounce travel myths, you see,
like it’s cheaper booking airfare and hotels separately,
which he debunked and contended it as ‘Bullhonkery!’

But c’mon now, are we supposed to take his word for it,
when he doesn’t even know how to plug appliances,
made here in America in European sockets,
despite attempting in the same ad to debunk that myth?

That’s like someone telling you, ‘Put your life savings in this,
oh, did I mention Enron is an ethical business?’
Doesn’t that rampant incorrectness of the second point,
completely kill the credibility of the first point?”

And she said, “Hey, the Gettysburg Address was just a page
and that was about a war, I get the point that you’ve made.
By the way, it is Travelocity, not Travelodge,
you got the two confused somehow, now we’ve missed it, by God!”

I said, “Errrr…..well….anyway, it doesn’t really matter,
I’m sure they have their beds made by Mongolian Tatars…….
(Look, there’s a bed and breakfast just a half a mile ahead,”)
she intervened, “how ‘bout we stop at this lil’ quaint homestead?”

And I said, “Sure, that place seems nice!” as we approached the inn,
cozied in the Blue Ridge Mountains miles outside Staunton,
we saw the inn was named “Tulgey Woods” by its greeting sign,
sheltered by rows of golden aspens and yellow buckeyes.

We pulled up and parked in the B&B’s front parking space,
admiring the flower garden and lawn gnome display,
it had large sunny windows and quaint gingerbread highlights,
painted mauve with dark green doors, a fairy tale come to life.

She said, “Wow, with a brook below this house and a stable,
this would be a spitting image of ‘Anne of Green Gables’!”
I said, “Hey, this place might have a dress code, so just in case,
hurry and dye your hair red and form some long glossy braids!”

My sister chuckled and said, “Stop it!” affectionately,
I joshed, “Just looking after you!” and she giggled gently,
so we grabbed our belongings and toddled up the front deck,
I named, “The White Way of Delight!” with Anne stuck in my head.

So we followed the deck up to the front door of the inn,
with two tote bags and a leftover Toddle House omelet,
from the Waffle House we stopped for breakfast back in Pine Bluff,
that I couldn’t eat earlier because I got too stuffed.

She said, “You still have that, it’s been in the trunk for hours!”
I said, “Yeah, I was way too full to have it devoured,
besides, my hash browns were served scattered, smothered and covered,
and there were raisins in my toast, I was undercover!”

She rolled her eyes and smiled as I took an eager bite,
then I saw her apply some make-up so she’ll look real nice,
so I rang the front doorbell, which sounded like a songbird,
and heard the clatter of high heels the moment it was heard.

The innkeeper opened the door and smiled pleasantly,
saying, “Greetings, dear guests, my name is Valerie McGee,
and I am the innkeeper and owner of Tulgey Woods,
now let me take your bags as every comely hostess should!”

She was just four feet tall with the perfume of candied figs,
and had the resemblance of Henry Waxman with a wig,
she sported Oliver Goldsmith butterfly sunglasses,
and yellow teeth stained with a life’s supply of molasses.

                 

She had amber tresses draping down her legs and beyond,
and wore a Mobius Dress, endlessly looping her bod,
as she carried our bags inside, we saw that she wore,
banana leaf shoes by Stine Heilmann as she graced the floor.

We stepped inside and admired the lodge’s ambiance,
resounding with a theme of Victorian renaissance,
the living room and stairway had Brazilian cherry floors,
and the kitchen was made of oak with plenty food in store.

Each wall was plastered with flower wallpaper with sage trim,
and every window was draped with Battenberg lace curtains,
the guest room floor was covered with a Mashad Persian rug,
and the mahogany burl sleigh bed sofa looks so snug.

Even the guest bathroom had yellow poplar wainscoting,
as well as terry cloth robes that really got me gloating,
with an Italian quarry tile floor that felt so smooth,
and a fragrant freesia incense that so blithely soothes.

The dining room had a Waterford crystal chandelier,
it seemed the backyard had everything but a belvedere,
with a wicker gazebo, a rose-trellised Amish swing,
a small lawn and gardens full of oriental lilies.

The interior was highlighted with a fireplace,
and stained glass windows that gave rooms shimmering interplay,
the kitchen was packed with heirloom china and canisters,
and the winding staircase had a burnished oak banister.

Yeah, I know what you must be thinking at this present time,
“How do you know so much about B&B’s at first sight?”
The truth is I know jack squat, truly not by a long sight,
but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!”

Don’t tell Valerie I said that, anyway, shall we sprawl,
I’ve still got unfinished business in the reception hall,
lest we forget, I haven’t yet been accommodated,
so let us get settled in, for we’ve patiently waited.

I asked, “Do you have any rooms available tonight?”
She said, “Yes, we most certainly do,” in a tone forthright,
“how about room number eleven, named the ‘Twas Brillig’?”
The mentioning of the room’s name gave my sister goose skin.

But I said, “What’s the room like?” in deep curiosity.
She said, “The ‘Twas Brillig’ is quite a luxurious suite!
This room features two queen-sized beds with antique brass headboards,
topped with matching handmade quilts that will keep you snug and warm.

The room also includes Sheridan cherry furniture,
a private bath with a clawfoot tub and power shower,
an end table with a skirted hurricane table lamp,
and a dressing alcove with a walk-in closet intact.

It has that tucked-away-from-the-world-and-its-cares feeling,
I recommend it to all my guests, it’s quite appealing.
So…would you like to go ahead and book this room?” she asked,
“Yes,” I said, “I like what I hear, how much is that in cash?”

“I charge at a rate of eighty dollars per night!” she said,
“Alright,” I affirmed, “say, do you happen to accept checks?”
“No,” she made clear, “I run on a cash-only policy!”
I nodded and pulled out my wallet to pay Valerie.

Then I noticed my sister tugging at my arm with fright,
she said, “Please don’t put the Cheshire Cat in my dreams tonight!”
And I hushed, “Sis, you’re overreacting, it’ll be fine,
believe me, I went through this phase too, and I’ve turned out fine!

I explained to Valerie, “Sorry, she has been afraid,
of the Cheshire Cat since she saw that film in second grade!
For years she couldn’t drink a cup of tea or play croquet,
even stand on her head in PE……..but she’ll be okay!”

                 

She said, “Yeah, we get a lot of that around these here parts,
saying they can’t tell his grin or the crescent moon apart.
Why, I recall reading E.T.A Hoffman’s “Der Sandmann”,
for months I feared I’d lose my eyes and that I’d lose my dad!”

I nodded gently and placed on the counter four twenties,
she placed them in the register and turned to us in glee,
saying, “I’d like to welcome you to Tulgey Woods, dear friends,
where you’ll come as strangers, but you’ll become friends by the end!

Let me take this moment to offer you some history.
This B&B was constructed in 1883,
by an antique doll craftsman named Heinrich von Schoenhut,
who built this house from scratch to house his family and mutts.

Schoenhut was a wealthy man, well-respected also,
in fact he has a doll museum down in Nomini Grove,
was president of the Yancey Mills Doll Society,
and developed doll conventions over in Fairview Beach.

By 1918, Heinrich’s house became a dental school,
in 1930, the site of a community pool,
in 1933, it became a fresh bakery,
by 1943, it was a muffler shop I think.

Then in 1944, it became a framing store,
in 1947, a pet store named Diefendorf’s,
in 1949, home to another dental school,
followed the same year by another community pool.

Finally in 1960, it was renovated,
when the Historical Chapter thought it venerated,
in 1973, I purchased this property,
and since then Tulgey Woods remains to the eyes a true feast!”

I saw a cat bounce up onto Valerie’s countertop.
I said, “Looks like the felines chased those mutts to the bus stop!”
She said, “Yes, I have fifteen cats to keep me company,
this one is Walter Mitty, my Wee Willy Watchkitty!

The rest should be up shortly, they’re catnapping in the den,
when you’re here you’ll see them lollygag time and time again.
Why I saw Count Pounce last Tuesday hopping on the washer,
you should have seen him, he was tappin’ like Dianne Walker!

Now let me tell you of this inn’s many amenities.
Breakfast is served on the sun porch at dawn every morning,
complete with a macédoine of fruits and roasted coffees,
and preserves made fresh from our gardens, ready to eat.

All our breads and pastries are baked in our ovens,
the main course varies from day to day ’cuz the chef has whims,
favorites include our made-from-scratch blueberry biscuits,
clafouti with nectarines and lemon-currant muffins.

In the guest room we have an 1880 pump organ,
completely restored that we’ve named the Daniel Morgan,
if you happen to enjoy tickling the ivories,
don’t hesitate to play, you might form a society.

Upon request we have kits for sowing and badminton,
my brother loves to play that game, you may say he’s smitten,
we also love to play bocheeball tourneys on the lawn,
and a small library for those slightly more withdrawn.

Say, you’re in luck, tonight’s our monthly murder mystery,
so come on down and join us, it’ll be a revelry,
think of it as “Clue” with more spoof and spontaneity,
which you’ll be acting out and everything you do pulls strings.

If we can assist you in making other special plans,
including fresh flowers and fruit baskets on your behalf,
please ask, as it is our desire to help you have,
the best visit possible and we’re pleased to lend a hand.

Let me take this moment to inform you of some ground rules.
Smoking is not permitted in the inn, that may sound cruel,
but we are aware of the dangers of second-hand smoke,
therefore, don’t even think about it, this is not a joke.

Next up, each room reservation is non-refundable,
nor for emergencies or things beyond our control,
finally, and this is the most important one of all,
check-out time’s at eleven, so you best be on the ball.

That’s all for now, I sincerely hope you enjoy your stay,
you’ll find ‘Twas Brillig’ on your right once you climb the staircase!”
My sister said, “Wow, her speech knocked the wind right out of me,
let’s head up to our room now, I just can’t wait and see!”

                 


"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other"

Mother Teresa

[This message has been edited by Mistletoe Angel (07-04-2007 02:26 AM).]

© Copyright 2007 Nadia Lockheart - All Rights Reserved
Robert Jordan
Member
since 2007-02-07
Posts 392
Philadelphia Pa USA
1 posted 2007-07-03 06:15 PM


Mistletoe Angel,

Yeah, I’ve stayed in places like that.  They’re always an adventure.

Nice touch with the Lewis Carroll, brillig and slithy in the troves and all.  Beware of the Bandersnatch though.

This was a very enjoyable read.  Keep at it.

Oh, by the way, that’s “Feline” not “Canine”.

Feline=cat, canine=dog

BTW, you have one neat web page, I like it.

Bobby

[This message has been edited by Robert Jordan (07-04-2007 12:06 AM).]

Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada
2 posted 2007-07-04 06:30 PM


Boy, you're having fun with this style of writing Noah ... good for you!

LOL @ “At least it beats the Worlds Largest Cured Ham,

Liked this too, lol.  

She said, “Wow, with a brook below this house and a stable,
this would be a spitting image of ‘Anne of Green Gables’!”
I said, “Hey, this place might have a dress code, so just in case,
hurry and dye your hair red and form some long glossy braids!”

LOL @ using the commercial line – good one Noah.  

Yeah, I know what you must be thinking at this present time,
“How do you know so much about B&B’s at first sight?”
The truth is I know jack squat, truly not by a long sight,
but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!”

Did you hear that Mysteria, Nan and I stayed at a Bed & Breakfast 2 years ago when we all met up in Niagra Falls? That was my first experience ... and I really enjoyed it.  

I will await your next adventure my friend.  

Best wishes and hugs,
/Kit

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
3 posted 2007-07-04 08:02 PM


Nice writing...the only bed and breakfast I can recall staying in right now was in Amsterdam...although we were driving cars, we went to the railroad station as a point of contact...she and the accomodations were nice...James
Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215
Realms of Light
4 posted 2007-07-05 12:08 PM


Well, m'dear, when I saw that this was going to  be a long read, I brewed myself a cup of black current tea to sip while I let you entertain me!

I too, have an adventurous spirit and identified with "I’m more of that spontaneous type, who likes to drive and land someplace we’ve never been before,
we are being guided by fate, fate wants us to explore!”

I appreciate your vividly descriptive writing. You draw the reader right in by engaging all of the senses. One does not just read your poetry ~ one experiences it!

$80 /night seems like a steel to stay in a place like that! Mind you, I'd be hard-pressed to pay for it in cash! I like using plastic! ~ My motto is "Charge it!" ~ and then pay it right off. lol

I am looking forward to Part II of this epic poem!

Happy trails!

Linda

Mysteria
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
5 posted 2007-07-05 11:40 AM


Kit sent this to me, as I absolutely ADORE those B&B's and try to find the oldest ones I can to stay in.  When I saw the length of it, like any Canadian I did what these two probably did, Kit got her HUGE mug of tea, Linda her coffee, and me mine.  I then settled down and was just so pleasantly entertained.

This was absolutely "brilliant" as the British would say, or "bongo bongo kookamongo" and I say

I can not wait to hear of more of your adventures, in these, my favorite homes away from home.

GREAT JOB!  Loved it!

          
Carpe' Diem    

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