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Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

0 posted 2007-06-14 06:06 PM

*Ratleader introduced me to a new style called Cyhydedd hir (Don't aske me how to pronounce it.) It's supposed to sound like drums in the hills so may be suitable for thunder etc. However when I sat down to write the form what is foremost in my mind and therefore in the poem is a recent train crash in Kerang Victoria which claimed 12 lives.
So here it is with a subject not suitable.

trains rides assuring
all that’s alluring
travelling, touring
until they crash
then we awaken
battered and shaken
love has been taken
lost in the mash

hospital calling
though some are falling
and more are squalling
helpers draw near
relatives crying
while some are dying
there’s no denying
they’re feeling fear

helpers are working
no one is shirking
bystanders lurking
ready to stop
bodies recovered
some of them smothered
children unmothered
lying on top

wreckage now clearing
exhaustion nearing
while eyes are tearing
sighs on the mews
none are left waiting
anticipating
worry abating
by evening news

a good commitee can decimate communication.

[This message has been edited by Sunshine (06-18-2007 07:22 AM).]

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2007-06-14 07:42 PM

How sadly well done, Kethry. This must have been very hard to put down, but I thank you for sharing the grief that so many of us share around this little world of ours.

aziza
Member Elite

since 2006-07-09

Posts 2995
Lumpy Oatmeal makes me Crazy!

2 posted 2007-06-14 11:20 PM

Ah, you got me right in the heart. They style is interesting to read -- the poem is devastating

children unmothered
lying on top

You got me. Good writing.

Alison

Ratleader

Member Rara Avis

since 2003-01-23

Posts 7026
Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass

3 posted 2007-06-15 01:18 AM

Talent will out! This is excellent, and I think it plays right into the pace and timing of the form....and it's well worth doubling-down on the length. Strong, very strong.

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

Pilgrimage
Member Elite

since 2001-12-04

Posts 3945
Texas, USA

4 posted 2007-06-15 09:44 AM

I really like this, Keth. The beat keeps up all the way through. The only nit I have with it is 'irk'-- because to me an 'irk' is like a 'peeve' - a small irritation. And of course there is nothing small about a train wreck and the human tragedy. I thought the children unmothered was inspired. I really have to try this form.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

5 posted 2007-07-03 10:54 AM

Not suitable? *S* I disagree. *S* You meld a powerful story with a powerful form... with fantastic results! *S*

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