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Open Poetry #40
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The Rain (do you see what this poem represents?
| Open Poetry #40 |
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The Rain (do you see what this poem represents? |
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The Phat Whale New Member
since 2007-06-09
Posts 9 |
The Rain Alone I stand beneath you Alone I am without you No one here to see me and The troubles that I've been through You drown my sorrow And free my rage Release the beast From its cage O please don't leave me now O please just stay a little longer Just help me now While I stand alone and ponder O the sorrow grips my heart You left me now to die You mock me as I sit here You mock me as I cry But at last I see your purpose Your innocent reply To the grief, the scars, the sadness That you wash away with time. What do you think? And does anyone see what this represents |
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| © Copyright 2007 The Phat Whale - All Rights Reserved | |||
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aziza Member Elite
since 2006-07-09
Posts 2995Lumpy Oatmeal makes me Crazy! |
Well, I am probably the one who should NOT respond. I really suck at seeing the deep underlying meaning to poetry. I either like it or don't. I understand it or don't. Sometimes I don't need to understand it to like it. I may like how the words flow; or the images created. Maybe I just like how the words roll of my tongue. I do like your poem because I find it interesting. Do I understand or see the meaning -- probably not. Does that diminish me as a reader? Only you can answer that. Thanks for posting and welcome to PiP. I look forward to reading more (even if I don't always understand it ~ grins). Alison |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
the first impression I get is that you are talking about alcohol maybe I'm wrong... but it's a great poem anyhow |
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The Phat Whale New Member
since 2007-06-09
Posts 9 |
Its about the five stages of mourning... |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
Phat Whale (Dig the name by the way) Welcome to where you are right now. I really liked S3. I'd nix "ponder" in S3 though. Stick with "alone," "ponder" waters it down... a lot. The rhyming is a little tired, but I've never liked rhyming so I'm biased in that department. I'd maybe try to freshen up the rhymes if you're going to use them. Sometimes you can rhyme in poetry with out rhyming the words exactly. Like what you did with "reply" and "time" those aren't perfect rhymes but still sound similar enough to pass. Instead of saying "die" and "cry" I'd replace "cry" with something less used. The last stanza was pretty good too. I know your critique encouragement says "beat you or flatter you" but I thought I'd just give you some friendly advice. Hope that's cool. Cheers - Ed “Well all the apostles, they’re sittin’ on the swings, sayin’ I’d sell off my savior for a set of new rings.” |
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