They wheeled LongJohn in - poor fellow was a bloody mess
An accident or victim of assult was many's guess.
They took him to Emergency to stop the bleeding fast
And no one could be sure low long the ragged fool would last.

He finally got a bed with IV's sticking in his arm.
Some blankets covered head to toe to keep his body warm.
Hooked up to several monitors he lay there very still
Alive but with a broken spirit that had lost its will.

He heard a voice from his left side that said, "LongJohn! You, too?"
He squinted in the darkness and said, "Toerag? Is that you?"
"It's me, old friend", Toerag replied. "Pray tell, what brought you here?
Don't tell me you were dumb enough to fight with Balladeer!"

"How'd you know that?" said LongJohn. Toe said, "Wasn't very hard.
There's only one way to wind up here in the Balladeer ward!
There's Kevin in the corner - Larry C's right over here,
All victims of the foolish act to take on Balladeer!"

"I almost had him", LongJohn said. "I thought I had him down,
But when they found me I was laying bloody on the ground.
Don't even know what happened - words like daggers came my way
And cut me down like kindling wood...that's all that I can say."

"I know", Toe smiled and shook his head quite understandingly.
"That's the same thing he did to the fellers there and me.
We all thought we could bring him down - God knows how hard we tried
But here we lie in traction with a bedpan by our side."

"Well, hey, we've got to organize when we get out of here..
Combine our force to beat the Devil out of Balladeer!
Kevin has the rhyme..charisma's Larry's strong forte
I have got the brains and you...well, Toe, what can I say?"

Well, that's just what they did. Their wounds all healed within time
And they set out with gusto to commit the perfect crime.
It wasn't easy...nations gave their praise to Balladeer.
He dined with presidents - TIME made him their Man of the Year.

The deer replaced the eagle as the symbol of our land
And "Hail the Deer" was played at football games by marching bands.
He lunched with movie stars...Will Buckley called him for advice
Proud parents named their newborn Deer in homage..ain't that nice?

After months of evil planning on one fateful night
The villians cornered Balladeer and had him in their sights.
Surrounding him they circled slowly looking for some fear
But only saw a small grin on the face of Balladeer.

Larry was the first...one minute there...next minute gone!
The others didn't know what happened. What was going on?
The Kevin disappeared from sight! Where did Kevin go?
That only left the sailor and the retard known as Toe.

Toerag said, "Let's charge him! You go left and I'll go right!"
Then, like a callgirl's virtue, Toerag disappeared from sight!
LongJohn trembled in his boots - his face was filled with fear
But there could be no mercy from the wrath of Balladeer.

They all four met in Heaven, right there at the pearly gate
Shivering in fear to know what was to be their fate
But they were ushered in with smiles by angels, happily
And they were told they would be there throughout eternity.

"Hey, this ain't bad!" Toerag exclaimed. "I kinda like it here!
I'll take this place and leave behind that goofball Balladeer.
These angel gals are pretty cute with bodies heavenly.
I'm sure they'll shed their halos for a silver-tongue like me!"

They were told they had to meet God for their final interview
And stood up as they saw His presence coming into view
But, as He walked up to them, Toerag's features froze in fear
As he screamed out in panic, "Oh, my God! It's Balladeer!!!!!"